Hand-clasping, pulse-rising, hopeful, hopeful smile

Yes. I’m excited about the Inauguration ceremony. Are you?

I watch the people pouring into D.C. on the news. I see the excitement, the diversity of the features that express that excitement. Have citizens from such a broad spectrum of age, race, economic status and North American geography ever come together this way before?

Probably. But not to my recollection.

I also hear the reports of security. How they are combing through all the threats, how they are trying to apply caution to this event that is meant to be markedly inclusive.

And that makes me think about how fragile hope is. Fragile and immense- symbolized by those sea of faces, this event. And while it bothered me during election that racial considerations were so prominent in the reporting, I was struck today by the reactions of black Americans who are completely ecstatic. Tears of profound gratitude to be witnessing this event, exclamations of disbelief and pure triumph in the fact of Obama, the first black president ever elected in America.

I understood that it was historical. But I didn’t fully comprehend how personal this precedent is to people who have believed themselves on the margin of society all their lives. This is important in ways I can’t grasp fully because there are barriers coming down tomorrow that just never existed for me.

But I’m thrilled. And I feel a part of the changes, and maybe that’s what’s most miraculous about our future president:

So many of us feel like we’re a part of what’s going on. And what feels to be going on is a valid reason to hope for a better tomorrow.

BSG: Who would you Boink?

Tonight, new episodes of Battlestar Galactica return to the Sci-Fi Channel at 10pm. I suspect most of the weebles probably don’t watch BSG, so I’m going to prepare you to answer the most important question regarding the series. This way if someone accosts you on the street with the urgent question: “Who do you think the 5th and final cylon is?” You can give the appropriate response: “I don’t freakin’ care, but I would totally sleep with _______”


-Admiral William Adama

Played by Edward James Olmos, Adama is the Admiral of the fleet and commanding officer of the Battlestar Galactica. A soft-spoken hard-hitter, the senior Adama would likely appeal to Daddy’s girls, female literature professors, and closeted Semper Fi’s with unresolved yearnings.

– President Laura Roslin

You may recognize Mary McDonnell from Dances with Wolves and Independence Day. Roslin in a tough, savvy politician with a few moral gray areas. She has cancer in the program, but this is a woman who could still competently handle a whip/football team/chicken. By the look in her eye, you know she views any male ranking less than admiral as merely breakfast.

– Starbuck

Yes, she’s a girl! From Oregon! True story: Portland born Katee Sackhoff brings an edge to Viper Pilot Kara Thrace that the original, congenial male Starbuck probably never envisioned. Though a very tough and physical character, there is a certain transparency, a lack of manipulation to Starbuck that would probably appeal to anyone who has recently survived a divorce.

– Lee ‘Apollo’ Adama

Former viper pilot, and only remaining son of the Admiral, Lee Adama is the idealist of the group. He has a great body, and a moral compass that would make 82% of all potential mates develop a severe inferiority complex. Lee would be the wet-dream of far-lefties, pro-bono attorneys and John Mayer fans. Oh, btw, Dibs.

-Dr. Gaius Baltar

I don’t want my own impression of Baltar to color your perceptions (he’s a sleazeball). I will say that Baltar is probably the best dresser on the show. I won’t say that this is because his vanity is of mammoth, unwieldy proportions. (oops) I will say, he isn’t real hard to get. Just be reasonably attractive and look at him for a second, he’s yours. Baltar’s a good person to be with if you’ve recently been dumped by someone like Lee Adama. You can feel morally superior to Baltar right up until he sleeps with your mom at your graduation dinner. After that you should focus more energy on hoping they used protection.


Oh, she’s a man-eater. She’s also a cylon, but if a little artificial intelligence doesn’t bother you, this bionic ‘skin-job’ can offer both physical and mental challenges to satisfy the masochist in you. Yeah, she’s a little unpredictable: One moment she’s pledging her eternal love to a human and coming across all vulnerable, the next she’s beating up old eyepatch and slamming Baltar around by the hair. But men love that shit, don’t they? Oh, btw- she has sisters. Lots and lots of sisters.

-Samuel T. Anders

In case you can’t tell from the name alone, Anders is an all-purpose hottie. Pilot, resistance fighter, conveniently qualified husband to Kara Thrace (or at least to her impulsive libido) Anders is your standard go-to guy. The name says it all: Samuel T., c’mon. They don’t give a character a middle initial unless it means something. ‘T.’ means trustworthy character, and ‘Z.’ means reliably evil. Anders would be ideal for uncomplicated carnal stress relief in a car or a warehouse. He’s just that kind of guy. Er… cylon, rather.

– Galen Tyrol

Tyrol is the every man’s man. He gets his hands dirty, damn it. He shows up every day and does his job. But… like so many of us, he has quirks. 1. He’s a cylon. To his credit, this realization has brought him intense anguish, but still. 2. After his wife, Cally, died (got offed by a Cylon) he screamed about the ‘boiled cabbage stench of her’. I personally find this intimidating. It would suck to be in a relationship with someone and discover that this is the epitaph they’ve been storing up.

-Tory Foster

The cylon who killed Galen’s wife, y’know? Yeah, it was her. Tory: Advisor to the president, closet Cylon, Baltar’s part-time bimbo (she also nailed Anders), manipulator extraordinaire. If snakes fascinate you, or you find yourself envious of Michael Douglas in Basic Instinct, Tory might just be your ticket to ride.

– Saul Tigh

For anyone trying to wean themselves off a pirate fetish, I present Saul Tigh. The gravelly voice, the eyepatch, the alcoholic tendencies, all these should make your transition from swashbucklers to bitter old men very smooth and easy going. You probably expect it by this point, but yeah, he’s a Cylon, too.

-Cylon Hybrid

I don’t fully understand what exactly she does. She’s plugged into the ship somehow, and she lives in one of those pools where the Cylons are ‘born’ again after being downloaded. Both scary and wise, the Hybrid *knows* things. Given, she doesn’t get out much, still this character might appeal to that shady demographic who patronize Hentai tentacle porn.


So now you have a cornucopia of interesting choices. Which one of these characters would YOU repopulate the planet Earth with?

Foghorn Leghorn & James Garner

foghorn.gif …. garner.jpg

When I was a kid, they still showed Merrie Melodies and Loony Tunes cartoons bright and early most weekdays before school on the Ramblin’ Rod show. I think they had them on channel kptv 12. My brother and I used to get up to watch a show called ‘The Great Space Coaster’, which almost seems like a joke or a dream now, except Mark Hamil was on it once, so that gave it validation.

We’d go get our cereal and the bowl of sugar (We were progressive children, and believed in progressively sweetening our breakfast till the remaining milk in the bowl was a horrifyingly sweet sugar sludge which would harden into cement throughout the day, capturing wayward cornflakes like petrified leaves in the morning’s fossil record.) and watch loony tunes till we had to go to school. We claimed characters as favorites, so some cartoons got to bask in our approval while others, like Porky Pig, were barely tolerated.

My favorites as a kid were: Bugs, Taz, Pepe le pew, Tom & Jerry, the chickenhawk kid and Foghorn Leghorn. Wile E. Coyote and Roadrunner were pretty cool, too.

Wile E. Coyote, of course, came to have universal truths that were revealed in adulthood. It’s probably the cartoon with the most cross over appeal. What seems like a fascinatingly stupid and amusing endeavor to a child comes to seem like a fairly good survival technique when you get to be a grown up.

Yes, Wile E. seemed to be nearly killed at the end of every episode, but his single minded pursuit of his heart’s desire kept him pushing forward, and his extreme tunnel vision kept him from looking around and noting that his hometown was a major dump. We learned that desperation breeds both danger and ingenuity, true. And his constant and repetitive failures make him intriguing and rather lovable, a point many adults are comforted to recall in later life.


I really liked the Foghorn Leghorn cartoons the best though. I couldn’t help rooting for the blustery rooster. According to wikipedia, Foghorn’s speech and characteristics were patterned after ‘Senator Claghorn’, a character on the Fred Allen Radio Show. I’d never heard of the Fred Allen Radio Show, and even if I’d listened to it religiously, Foghorn Leghorn still would have stuck in my mind as the animated rooster embodiment of James Garner.

I’m not sure where the impression came from, but it’s still strong. It might be the distinctive way in which both of them speak, or the sort of swell-chested confidence, and naive attempts to set others straight. I was familiar with Garner because my mom used to watch detective shows in the late afternoon. All too often this meant that jowly fella in the black and white court series, what was his name? Not sure. He was always super intense and serious. (Mom thought he was handsome. Gag me.) Later, Magnum P.I. would fill the niche, and we’d be grateful if for no other reason than we liked Higgin’s doberman pincers, and their troubled relationship with the P.I.

(Mom also thought Tom Selleck was a hottie.)

She never expressed any yen for James Garner when she watched the Rockford Files though, and in this case I hafta seriously question her taste. Even though James Garner for me embodies the human equivalent of an animated rooster, this did not stop a small passion from developing. James Garner was always so ….tall, so… reasonable, so very… tall. And when he turned the fire on for one of his lady friends? Wow, James Garner could do the smoldering eye thing like nobody’s business. It was such a contrast to his friendly, reasonable voice.

Contrast is hot.

I definitely leaned more towards the human James Garner than I did toward Foghorn Leghorn; a relief, following on the heels of my first great passion for Mighty Mouse. A dysfunctional relationship, that: I would thrill to imaginings of being flown through the air, clutched to his strong, tiny chest; but I was just as likely to fantasize about him getting caught by his cat tormentors and tortured in true cat and mouse fashion. It was a love/hate relationship.

Anime porn only holds the barest of appeal nowadays, so I think I’ve left that Mighty Mouse phase firmly behind, but I happened to catch a few minutes of a pre-Rockford film with James Garner in it recently, and oh my gosh. Wasn’t he a handsome git? I almost didn’t see the anthropomorphized rooster in the tilt of his chin, the lean of his body. Yup… almost.

(contender for the least believable gunfight of all time:)