Twitters.

On twitter, you hafta use less than 140 characters to convey either what you’re doing right now, or pretty much any thought that crosses your mind that you don’t think will bore the ever lovin’ crap out of complete and total strangers.

I’m feeling lazy, so rather than write a blog, I’m going to regurgitate some of my past tweets.

I am doing nothing… with a certain flair, though.
4:47 PM Jul 25th from web

If you ever really need hits for something, just describe it on twitter as ‘erotic photography’.
10:34 AM Jul 19th from web

Did Oscar Wilde do freakin’ *anything* with his life besides sit around and make up pithy remarks?
5:23 AM Jul 23rd from web

If there was a nuclear holocaust, and only two people survived, it just seems very unlikely that it would be me and Neil Gaiman.
12:01 AM Jul 13th from web

Irrelevant aside: So, it turns out I can make that little motor lizard sound the velociraptors make on Jurrassic Park. Whose jealous? :)
3:36 PM Jul 7th from web

O! the violence of every damn day.
7:50 AM Jul 6th from web

It’s always a rather agonizing bid to try and find your place in someone elses affections.
10:12 AM Jul 3rd from web

@rtd13 It is a lot of death talk these days. It just struck me funny how you said that. Like it was an especially long version of King Lear.
10:24 AM Jun 28th from web in reply to rtd13

My whole personality is a peace offering.
8:50 AM Jun 28th from web

It’s sort of amazing, the sheer number of organizations that revolve around the central concept of wearing a funny hat.
6:32 PM Jun 27th from web

He had to find a way to talk her out of the notion that her deep end was a profound state of being. #fiction
10:41 AM Jun 26th from web

Delicious morning. *wiggles toes, appreciatively*
11:41 AM Jun 24th from web

I can feel my world doing that hazy, mirage-type thing that it does right before it shrinks back down to a bite-sized life.
1:15 PM Jun 21st from web

“Why would anyone get married?” she asks, surveying the scorched remains of her parents’ living room.
9:56 PM Jul 18th from web

Daughter haiku: her wall of talk/is something i work out for/but to no avail
6:43 PM Jun 19th from web

that ‘Valley of Elah’ movie f*ked with my head a little. It could have been better, but then it wouldn’t have been as good. *blinks*
10:36 PM Jun 12th from web

Sometimes, despite all my crap parenting, I suspect maybe I’ve succeeded on the important parts.
8:34 AM Jun 11th from web

The most supportive people in my life have pretty consistently been whomever I ended up sitting by at the laundromat.
2:11 PM Jun 5th from web

mirror musing: I am the hottest thing to come around since frozen vegetable medley.
9:12 AM Jun 4th from web

I want …. *lays cheek gently on the keyboard*. I want held. I want to wake someone up and kiss him till the sun rises.
11:48 PM Jun 3rd from web

Big shout out to ‘Your Horny Kitty’, my latest follower on twitter! Yeah! *feeling perplexed by the mundane undertones of personal destiny*
11:19 AM May 31st from web

I can withstand inanity, self-involvement, rude & cryptic on a twitter feed, but take me lap by lap thru a moto-racing event, & we’re done.
9:01 AM May 31st from web

Does anybody else think Squidward is kind of a hottie?
10:02 AM May 29th from web

I wish I could be close to someone without turning into neurotic, self-doubty monster the next day.
6:56 PM May 28th from web

Sometimes the rain is such a relief to the senses.
10:12 AM May 19th from web

Hello you world, you chummy old world. It’s nice to see your bright, ancient face.
10:10 AM May 5th from web

A brand new day: I hit the ground crawling.
9:55 AM Apr 22nd from web

we’re giving the dog a bath. not that it will help the odor without someone present whose willing to squeeze his… y’know what? never mind.
5:14 PM Apr 19th from web

I turned my ankle and had to limp two miles home. Bry made me laugh to tears with running commentary on my ‘elf boots’ & I fell down again.
8:46 PM Apr 14th from web

“Mandatum novum do vobis ut diligatis invicem sicut dilexi vos” ..it’s good stuff. He deserved some gelato.
9:37 AM Apr 9th from web

dog’s gone nutters. I’ll sit and twitter about it instead of checking it out. Can you *see* the shape of the future?
11:49 AM Mar 29th from web

Insomnia monsters. Yip yip yip yip.
3:17 AM Mar 30th from web

remember being a kid, and so sugar-starved that you had to eat your graham-cracker/frosting sandwich open faced (to derive the full benefit)
1:09 PM Jun 5th from web

This is why God invented the tantrum.
10:39 AM Apr 19th from web

Now I’m a big, huge deal, right?

When I checked into ‘Stop & Wander’ this morning, I noticed that my visitor count read 100,010 hits.

Dude, that’s a lot of weebles. Given, I started this blog up on June 16th, ’07 so it took about a year and 10 months to get all those zeroes. But it averages out to about 50,000 per year.

That’s sort of a hard integer to grasp.

So here’s a little context:

14,870,000  people visited Disneyland in 2007, so Stop & Wander was 1/297th as popular as Disneyland that year.

lol cats site: I Can Has Cheezburger received 1,500,000 hits a day at the height of its blog popularity in 2007. So- Stop & Wander was

1/30th of one/365th times as popular as I Can Has Cheezburger, –  *blinks*

Approximately 400,000 people are estimated to have attended Woodstock in 1969. So Stop & Wander had 1/8th as many annual visitors as the three day rock concert, which equals out to… on a daily, er- wait. No. *holds head*  Okay, if you times it by three, and factor the off- season-…   Urgh. The math just got too complicated, but…

basically S&W compares more favorably to hippy rock than it does to grammatically tragic and trussed-up kitty-cats.

All that information sort of reinforces how relative the nature of an impressive-assed number really is. But mostly I want to thank the repeat visitors, known in local slang as ‘weeble-kind’. You’ve made me feel consistently that this blog was worth the effort of writing each day, and that is an incomparable kindness.

Thank you.

Strip Poker

I have to purge. (isn’t that hot?) Been feeling so freakin’… unresponsive lately. I always assume someone’s watching this thing, and thinking the worst. Narcissistic? Yes, but every once in awhile there’s affirmation to that. Negative attention got focused here for awhile, and it just made it hard to put anything worthwhile to the forefront.

I guess I shouldn’t be a pussy, though. The reason I write doesn’t hafta do with feed-back, and the people that make reading and writing *here* worthwhile are worth talking to with honesty.

There’s a line in the West Wing I love, this guy says to Charley, “If they’re shooting at you, you know you’re doin’ something right.”

What’s been going on over here has been good stuff, if you’re someone who can see life through a positive filter.

I fell in love this winter. A former relationship, which was on extremely rocky ground ended up never really resuscitating, because I got to know someone in November that I couldn’t let go of, even when the other relationship might have made it.

That was a painful situation, cus they both meant a lot to me. Tried to work out the longer standing one, but due to situation and decisions we both made, heart just wasn’t in it anymore. I can’t say I regret the outcome, though I regret the way things went in the earlier relationship, and that it caused pain. Hard to let go of that person on so many levels. Hard not to feel guilty, too, for feeling joy in current relationship. Sometimes I want to shout it from the mountain-tops, this experience, and sometimes I think the only way to go is to keep it close to the chest, intensely private cus those feelings are not for broadcasting.

And whatever painful or joyful forward motion I make in the interpersonal stuff is linked closely with whether I feel I’m failing or connecting with my daughter. Maintaining that feeling of being *present* with her is still sort of the golden fleece, and still difficult. But I think we’re doing pretty good. I can detach and sort of look over what happens with like, scholarly interest as far as seeing how old patterns reassert. There’s sort of a mental hiding attitude that formed years ago, like even when I’m in the room, my thoughts are sort of in retreat- caught up somewhere. For a long time I just assumed that if I were ready, or healthy enough from older trauma stuff, I’d more naturally engage, but- that’s not really the case. It’s a pattern. So I hafta kind of, manually engage. It makes a difference, the attitude part. For example-

I hear her at the front door, home from friends. My body actually almost tenses a little, and my brain becomes immersed in whatever I’m doing- writing, reading, cooking, watching a program. It’s like the habit is to inure against whatever feelings- vulnerability, negative self-image, fear- I correlate with my kid. It’s a self-numbing thing, a coping mechanism established years back, that is kind of like that bit of tail on the end of our backbone now. It isn’t really needed, emotionally, but that adaptation is such a part of my interaction, that I actually hafta act- to reinforce- a different attitude. An attitude of openness and welcome.

Put down what I’m doing. Look up. Be ready to be the first to greet, to talk, to interact with her. That’s seems like it’s subtle, but lays groundwork for whole dynamic. Me being enough there to make decisions and have some personal control over how we interact, instead of her being in the role of pursuing or trying to command attention of absent-minded grown-up, which also (unfairly) puts her kind of in way of being a mini-adult, cus in those situations, she has more connection to the environment, and is the one making suggestions, or deciding if we will interact, or what to ask, etc.

It would all be kind of fascinating if I were watching this stuff play out, as a model for a psyche class, but it’s my life. There’s a lot of shame connected to acknowledging my failure to interact like a healthy parent. Shame that’s just got to be accepted, cus I want more. I want this to be better. The holding pattern existed for far too long.

November was such a hatching ground for big deals. There was therapy, there was relationship upheaval. Remember Na No Wri Mo? Well, that’s the other thing. I have a few precious contacts in the world of editing, but someone took a look at the first chapters of my re-write, and expressed their willingness to put my manuscript on the desk of a decision-maker-

if… If I can get it done. Timely like.

I will need help. This much is for sure. I have no objectivity anymore toward the ragged swarm of words, and I’m even a little afraid of it. Almost just want this chance to be blown, so I can go back to my lack-luster, under-achievement comfort zone.

Finally, I got to the final table of a poker tournament this last week. Number 7. Banked a tidy $1300.
Skill at tournament play really boils down to patience, and a willingness to hold ground enough of the time when someone’s trying to push you off a hand. This is all Swedish heritage stuff… who would have thought generations of stoic, tight-lipped farm-workers, and their belligerent refusal to surrender to poor growing conditions would create decent genetic stock for card-playing?

There’s only three things I’m really good at, and poker and writing are the other two. You can make decent money at all three things, but only if you’re willing to get screwed over and over again, first.

True story.