Do you ever get a song in your head, and find you can’t turn it off until you listen to it?
I hardly have anything to say. Just a desire to stay in circulation on here. Nothing to report, I haven’t done anything lately I’m very proud of except hold my daughter’s hand when it was past her bedtime and I desperately wanted to escape into … well, just escape really. Wherever that is.
And I’ve held onto someone in my head when the ambushing tactics were coming on big.
I don’t remember where I heard, or read, someone’s definition of lasting love as choosing someone over and over again, but it proves true for me. Not because I’m constantly having alternate suitors thrown at me, no, just cus- it’s weird how often I try and ambush this thing myself. When everything seems good and great it turns out I’m pulling some bullshit in my head, or looking around for a distraction like I can’t quite let it be. Hard to let that risk (and it does sometimes feel like an omnipresent threat) of just relaxing and letting someone close, let that happen.
We talk. We talk and talk and I’d think it would be exhausting. I actually used the word ‘contingency plan’ in a conversation. My heart is making contingency plans.
don’t do that
It’s just too cynical. When you are making plans for a future where you lose someone, it’s easy to make that a self-fulfilling prophecy.
So I’m mindful these days. That’s what I’m proud of. Keeping myself in the room, in the same emotional space with people I care about, even when everything inside seems crouched and ready to bolt.
I wonder if it will always be this way. I wonder if there will always be that level of discomfort that comes with closeness.
They are worth it to me, the two people I feel that way about: my sweetheart and my daughter. But sometimes-
sometimes, I wish it wasn’t so hard to stay in the room.