Try

Do you ever get a song in your head, and find you can’t turn it off until you listen to it?

I hardly have anything to say. Just a desire to stay in circulation on here.  Nothing  to report,  I haven’t done anything lately I’m very proud of except hold my daughter’s hand when it was past her bedtime and I desperately wanted to escape into … well, just escape really. Wherever that is.

And I’ve held onto someone in my head when the ambushing tactics were coming on big.

I don’t remember where I heard, or read, someone’s definition of lasting love as choosing someone over and over again, but it proves true for me. Not because I’m constantly having alternate suitors thrown at me, no, just cus- it’s weird how often I try and ambush this thing myself. When everything seems good and great it turns out I’m pulling some bullshit in my head, or looking around for a distraction like I can’t quite let it be. Hard to let that risk (and it does sometimes feel like an omnipresent threat) of just relaxing and letting someone close, let that happen.

We talk. We talk and talk and I’d think it would be exhausting. I actually used the word ‘contingency plan’ in a conversation. My heart is making contingency plans.

don’t do that

It’s just too cynical. When you are making plans for a future where you lose someone, it’s easy to make that a self-fulfilling prophecy.

So I’m mindful these days. That’s what I’m proud of. Keeping myself in the room, in the same emotional space with people I care about, even when everything inside seems crouched and ready to bolt.

I wonder if it will always be this way. I wonder if there will always be that level of discomfort that comes with closeness.

They are worth it to me, the two people I feel that way about: my sweetheart and my daughter. But sometimes-

sometimes, I wish it wasn’t so hard to stay in the room.

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8 thoughts on “Try

  1. I feel sad reading your last sentence. If I knew you, I’d be your friend and help you “out of the room”. I know that I’ve had that same feeling throughout my life. You are not alone. Come out and enjoy the sunshine. i will be thinking of you today.

  2. Oh, if it were *easy*…well….I am not sure we would value it as much as we should. I don’t have any answers, just lots of nodding in total agreement and “oh, have I ever been there!” stuff.

    Hugs.

  3. I read this sentence wrong. Here how it was written:
    “When you are making plans for a future where you lose someone, it’s easy to make that a self-fulfilling prophecy.”

    Here’s how I read it:
    “When you are making plans for a future where you love someone, it’s easy to make that a self-fulfilling prophecy.”

    I hope somehow you can get to my reading…it has a happier ending.

  4. I’m told it gets easier, but I sure as almighty Hell don’t believe it.

    I do believe, though, that it’s worth it despite being so hard.

    I was describing to someone, the other day, what it’s like for me to be with my girlfriend, whom I think it’s safe to say I love, insofar as I even have any clue what that might mean. Every single moment is an active choice not to be irrational, not to run, not to test her, not to doubt her, not to doubt myself and my judgment and my wanting to be with her. Everything we say is fraught with peril; the wrong word, the wrong look, the wrong tone of voice from her, and I am triggered into absolute certainty that I need to get away, whether that means breaking up with her, or simply “leaving the room.” I’ve acted on those feelings only once; more frequently, I manage to contain them, but the level of physical stress involved in doing this is phenomenal, which makes her wonder, I think, why I always seem so tired when I’m with her.

    She has no idea that it’s this hard for me, even though I’ve tried to tell her. But … people who don’t have that problem don’t really get what it’s like. It’s the rock of Sisyphus, the labors of Hercules. It must be done … but it’s so hard. And sometimes feels like it can’t possibly be worthwhile.

    In retrospect, though, it is. It’s easier to see, looking back, what you were able to have despite that suffering. And the suffering of not having that … it’s worse than the anguish of holding love.

  5. The mind and heart like to play dirty tricks on each other sometimes. Love is hard work. You will find peace, but you have to stay in the room to get there.

  6. mad might have it right, am. Staying in the room makes it a lot more likely you’ll succeed. Hard work, absolutely. Might take a whole lifetime of learning and practicing too. Blah, who wants to hear that!

    Maybe it will be easier in your ‘next life’… :-)

  7. Song stuck in your head? Sing it like your a lounge act. May not get rid of it but you can come up with some funny melodies.

    Relationships….I’m not one to really talk about these things anymore but when I do start to wonder if I’m doing the right thing I think back to JFK’s moon speech.

    “We choose to do these things not because they are easy, but because they are hard.”

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