Day 1

I’m not going to explain this too deeply, but the next 28 days will be different here, and if you wish, you could just ignore this space till those 28 days are over. I’ve been feeling overwhelmed about the gap between what I wish I were accomplishing, and what is actually taking place in my world. The desire to duck into escapism is so strong, it’s almost… kind of… like compulsive. I’ve thought and thought and identified and expressed (exhaustively) the patterns, and the emotions (fears) involved, and expressed wanting things, and now I’m trying to manage the doing part.

Not being overwhelmed was number one. I picked three things- three self sabotage parts of my routine- they aren’t necessarily evil or bad behaviors, they are just things that aide me in not making change. There was a time when achieving the passage of time was important, but now I really need my time. I feel a little bit panicked over the passage of time. So these three things are gonna go, for 28 days. And in their stead, I’m going to turn my attention to three goals.

And my attitude for this space of time is not achievement oriented. I’m not going to measure the progress I make on these three things, and beat up on myself for not doing enough. Closing down the other behaviors, and letting myself attempt the other roads is going to be a big deal. Sometimes those attempts will be timid. Sometimes I won’t do much more than sit down to it. Sometimes the thoughts that go ‘What are you thinking? You can’t get from here to there.. you just can’t.’ Sometimes those thoughts might scare me off the track, but I have two other tracks to go to, so that self-defeating voice doesn’t get to win.

I’m going to meet the battleground, for 28 days.

This is day 1.

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7 thoughts on “Day 1

  1. You will come back, though. Right? Just don’t get too used to being away from the tyranny of the blog heh.

    Take care. See you in, um, 28 days!

  2. From my own experience I’ve found a month (or 28 days) is almost a magical time frame. It’s long enough to go deep, but not so long that it feels like it will be forever. Things I’ve done within the span of a month: written a novel; quit gluten, dairy and caffeine; and engaged in a solitary retreat (and recited 110,000 long ass mantras). Whatever your goal or experiment, I have full confidence that you can achieve. Go Am!!

  3. This sounds kind of like my 3 weeks of productivity I just failed at. Not that I think you’ll fail, but I did. Except at the vows to eat corn flakes instead of pop-tarts (due to the gelatin) and drink wine every day. I’m mastering that.

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