Heartfelt confessions of a shame-faced nature

1. Honesty is a big deal to me, but it’s also convenient. When I acknowledge my weaknesses and short-comings with honesty, I feel a lot less obligated to spend emotional energy feeling badly about them.

2. A sick little part of me seems to gleefully anticipate world disaster. There’s this perverse undercurrent in my mind that’s almost disappointed when the swine flu turns out not to be fearsomely deadly. That same component inwardly cheers at scenarios of chaos and anarchy, like, when following news stories of Paris slum riots or inexplicable storm patterns. I feel more alive the more a situation elevates.

3. I am too lazy or too something to have any interest in professional self-promotion, but I like attention a lot, especially when it doesn’t require very much work. I actually wish I were twenty-two again and sinfully pretty, cus that kind of attention was probably the least merited and most fun to have. Why not enjoy other people’s senseless worship of your glorious youth while you’ve still got it?

4. I like Hentai and anime porn. Other kinds of porn are too difficult, cus they’re either so poorly written and ludicrous that I can’t ignore it, or the debasement of human intimacy for profit and my participation in that dynamic makes me feel sick, so the erotic impulse is accompanied by a guilty, unsettled, acidic feeling. For some reason, none of these hang-ups transfer over when I’m watching a spankin’ hot cartoon.

5. If I did it all again, I would not have a child. Which means I’d be a lot less human then I am now. But the sensitivity that comes with a person’s existence whom you care about more than yourself, is also what lends insight to the fact that I am essentially powerless to prevent fear, pain or loneliness from claiming her, so the act of creation was both irrevocable and irresponsible. I know other people feel differently, and are even offended by that opinion, but I derive that conclusion from my experience of the world. I would no longer voluntarily impose it on anyone.

I wonder if God ever feels that way.

6. I tend to be most repulsed in others by what I hate about myself.

7. I have difficulty retaining the feeling of being loved. It slips away after a day or two, and some other calm, but basically individual outlook toward the world is what forms my impressions. It creates some difficult situations, especially in relationships cus I don’t really feel like one of two, I feel more like someone who sometimes chooses to love even though I don’t have an ongoing impression of being loved in return. It makes it easy to discount or distrust other people’s emotional constancy. It also means that without pretty frequent expressions of affection from the other, I just assume someone’s feelings have changed toward me, so we remain as fragile and impermanent as a brand new connection.

Sometimes I try to build the impression and understanding of being loved from a partner’s loving, outward expressions or thoughtful decisions. But it’s something that I guess has to come from inside to last, and in me, that place seems to be a sinkhole.

I’m not sure why that is.

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16 thoughts on “Heartfelt confessions of a shame-faced nature

  1. I am with you on #2 (never voiced that before, but what you wrote is exactly how my mind works through these events too).

    Also with you on #6. Big time. It’s only in recent years that I’ve made that connection and now try to turn it around and see how I can use that to fix myself – or else be ok with not fixing whatever the issue is and no longer letting it annoy me.

    There were times in my life I would have also agreed with #5. That feeling has come and gone depending on my overall situation in life. Recently though, I’ve been much more settled in being sure I would have had at least one child no matter what. Just would have started a tad later ;->>

  2. I wish that I could write as honestly as you do. Even more, I wish I could answer this as honestly as I’d like to.

    We have similarities. It’s just that I’m older.

  3. 1. I need to do this on a larger scale.

    2. Me too.

    3. Complete agreement.

    4. We are kindred spirits.

    6. So true.

    7. I seem to incorporate that into myself and forget about it. It’s unseen.

  4. #3 will be the focus of a post soon. One of my favorite stories that I never told, except to my shrink. I actually wrote about it once. Maybe I can find it and post that.

    I guess someone must have reminded you that “honesty is the best policy” or some crap like that, huh?

  5. But, basically, you’re a happy person, right?

    I wonder if there is a correlation between this post and the new blog look, like you’re stripping it down to the essentials? OK, maybe I’m over-analyzing.

  6. Stevo- always glad to see you ’round here. :)

    aefiel- ltns!!!

    obinRay and tp- I’ve often been struck by the similarities in our paths when I’m reading both of you. Except, Robin is essentially more kind than I am ever going to be. That’s just my impression.

    Corina- lol @ ‘some crap like that’… I donno. It’s just what I write. Sometimes this stuff is as much a tab, a marker as anything- like, ‘In case you should start believing your own bullshit, remember, this is who you are ms. a”

    Mad- basically a happy person… I’ve been chewing on that one for a minute.

    I’m cheerfully unhappy, I guess. Not capable of sustained dark attitudes, but I regard myself as a failure. ‘Balanced’ is the word that comes to mind.

    How bout you? Are you happy?

  7. I can relate to much of what you have confessed here. Not sure about the anime/hentai porn but I do check it out occasionally to see if I my tastes have changed :)

    Can I be bold and suggest that you are probably still sinfully pretty and reminiscing unnecessarily for a past that you could be living right now. Enjoy.

  8. Regarding #5, I hope for the sake of Sierra that she has no knowledge of this blog and I am sure it would be quite a shock to her young mind that her mother is really as screwed up as types about on her blog. I know you won’t publish this comment because you only want your happy little weebles to leave you messages about how great you are. Well, your not, not a great mother (because a great mother would never say something like that), not a great writer, not a great person. You are dark and sinful and covet what isn’t yours. I know that what goes around comes around and I hope for your sake that you never get what is coming to you.

  9. @ Frank…

    Geez, don’t hold back now. Lay it out plain and say what you REALLY think, why doncha?

    Personally, I can’t think of any parent who hasn’t entertained the thought of what life might have been like, ‘if only…..’

    Maybe you should go back and read in full what Am wrote. Chill.

  10. Totally get you on #5 … it’s one of the main reasons why I won’t be a father; I think I’d lose my mind over the inevitable pain the world would cause my child.

    Also totally get you on #7. I’m exactly the same way; my continuity of emotion lasts about 48 hours, and that’s it.

  11. #6, for sure. #5, I feel that way at times. But I’m afraid to say so because my superstitious side worries that something bad will happen to them just to teach me a lesson. (Catholic)

  12. #1 and #2 were right on the button with me too. And lucky me, I work at a medical center, so I’m in the middle of all the drama. Since I’m not a clinician, I’m getting all the excitement (daily briefings and all), but without all the extra hours. Woohoo!

    And #6, my dear, I think is pretty darn universal. By looking at what we hate, we can learn a lot about ourselves.

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