1. Honesty is a big deal to me, but it’s also convenient. When I acknowledge my weaknesses and short-comings with honesty, I feel a lot less obligated to spend emotional energy feeling badly about them.
2. A sick little part of me seems to gleefully anticipate world disaster. There’s this perverse undercurrent in my mind that’s almost disappointed when the swine flu turns out not to be fearsomely deadly. That same component inwardly cheers at scenarios of chaos and anarchy, like, when following news stories of Paris slum riots or inexplicable storm patterns. I feel more alive the more a situation elevates.
3. I am too lazy or too something to have any interest in professional self-promotion, but I like attention a lot, especially when it doesn’t require very much work. I actually wish I were twenty-two again and sinfully pretty, cus that kind of attention was probably the least merited and most fun to have. Why not enjoy other people’s senseless worship of your glorious youth while you’ve still got it?
4. I like Hentai and anime porn. Other kinds of porn are too difficult, cus they’re either so poorly written and ludicrous that I can’t ignore it, or the debasement of human intimacy for profit and my participation in that dynamic makes me feel sick, so the erotic impulse is accompanied by a guilty, unsettled, acidic feeling. For some reason, none of these hang-ups transfer over when I’m watching a spankin’ hot cartoon.
5. If I did it all again, I would not have a child. Which means I’d be a lot less human then I am now. But the sensitivity that comes with a person’s existence whom you care about more than yourself, is also what lends insight to the fact that I am essentially powerless to prevent fear, pain or loneliness from claiming her, so the act of creation was both irrevocable and irresponsible. I know other people feel differently, and are even offended by that opinion, but I derive that conclusion from my experience of the world. I would no longer voluntarily impose it on anyone.
I wonder if God ever feels that way.
6. I tend to be most repulsed in others by what I hate about myself.
7. I have difficulty retaining the feeling of being loved. It slips away after a day or two, and some other calm, but basically individual outlook toward the world is what forms my impressions. It creates some difficult situations, especially in relationships cus I don’t really feel like one of two, I feel more like someone who sometimes chooses to love even though I don’t have an ongoing impression of being loved in return. It makes it easy to discount or distrust other people’s emotional constancy. It also means that without pretty frequent expressions of affection from the other, I just assume someone’s feelings have changed toward me, so we remain as fragile and impermanent as a brand new connection.
Sometimes I try to build the impression and understanding of being loved from a partner’s loving, outward expressions or thoughtful decisions. But it’s something that I guess has to come from inside to last, and in me, that place seems to be a sinkhole.
I’m not sure why that is.