Little known fact around these parts: I am a romance guru. Yup, that’s right. You might not have picked this up right away, because it seems I am always falling into or getting over someone and writing about it all over my blog.
Well, that’s just a front, you know. I won’t be partaking of the Valentine Fiesta this year, because of course, being a guru, I’ve already perfected my game. It would be like joining a bowling league the season after hitting 10 strikes in 10 frames. Why climb El Capitan when you’ve already scaled Mount Everest?
No, my talents are better used in the service of others. I will sit back and selflessly observe the ritual dance and bestow like heart-shaped gifts my wisdom and pointers to help you have a perfect Valentine’s Date.
Guys– Girls hate it when you appear too eager or desperate. Wait until the afternoon of the 14th before calling and asking for a date. If the girl you like best is not available, go to the next one on your list. Repeat until you find someone who is not busy. This may require an extended area white pages directory.
Girls– Guys love it when you appear eager and desperate. In their heads, this secures the notion that you will ‘put out’. Give an enthusiastic “Yes!” to every guy who asks you out on Valentine’s Day. Forget about all these commitments once you decide who you really want to go out with. If the man you have your eye on hasn’t called you by Wednesday, dump a root beer on his head in a public place, and don’t explain why.
What to wear:
Guys– It’s the night of the big date, now don’t blow it by getting too classy. Remember: Girls run from the slightest hint of desperation. Make all the guys in sport coats look like maroons by showing up for your date in a muscle shirt and flip-flops, or any T-shirt sporting ‘The Simpsons‘ insignia. She might hate you on sight, but everybody loves Bart.
Girls– You probably think I’m going to suggest that you flash a little skin in a classy way. Just a provocative hint to keep his eyes focused the whole night through. WRONG! You see, men want what they cannot have. If you really want to drive him crazy, cover yourself from head to toe. Bulky sweaters and oversized culottes with leg-warmers are a definite winner, but a gauze face veil and a shapeless cape will also make his heart go pitter-patter. If you want to risk coming off trashy, there’s always the 19th century high-necked librarian blouse and full quilted petticoats, but honestly… only a slut would wear that on a first date.
Guys– A smart guy knows that whomever a girl is living with, be it her parents, cats, a roommate, these members of the household will hate you on sight. Don’t give them a chance to shoot you down when you’re not around to defend yourself. Instead of going to the door, lean on the horn and give a few sharp blasts. Repeat as necessary; she’s likely to emerge in a hurry.
Girls– In romance, it’s extremely important to make a man wait. For everything. Every… little… tiny… thing. When your date comes to the door, invite him inside and introduce him to your cats. Get out the benadryl for the inevitable allergic reaction. Tell him you “just have to put on some lipstick”, and then go change your hair and outfit twenty-two times. Reunite with your date 40 minutes later. Unless he’s gone into anaphylactic shock, he’ll be happy to see you.
In the Car:
Guys– You are probably nervous as Hell at this point, and couldn’t get a boner even if Cindy Crawford were spit-polishing your chubby. It doesn’t matter. Fake it. Try a cheap feel-up in the parking lot unless you want rumors swirling by the dessert course about your upcoming debut on Project Runway.
Girls– Women who appear too friendly and accessible before the appetizer risk the possibility of their date asking them to ‘Go Dutch’. Be silent and impassable in the car. Stare straight ahead and stick to surly, ambiguous snarls when he asks you which radio station you’d like to hear.
Guys– This is your one and only opportunity to save money, and if you don’t make the most of it, you have no one to blame but yourself. Jump in as quickly as possible to order for your date. Get a gander at the wine list first. You can try asking her to stick to soda pop, but if you don’t ask, she can’t say no, so the cheapest bottle of wine is probably less risk. You can head an economic catastrophe off at the pass by asking the waiter for the A la Carte menu and pulling a switcheroo before she ever gets a look at the Entrees. If none of this works, order a small salad for your dinner in an effort to embarrass her into doing the same.
Girls– Order the most expensive thing on the menu. It doesn’t matter if you like it, the whole point is to see if this man is a good provider who will one day send you off with a decent divorce settlement. Allow him to suggest a wine, and when it arrives, don’t like it. Insist that there’s something wrong with it. If the restaurant provides a new bottle, gag on the first sip. Spend the rest of the evening ordering different kinds of wine by the glass. The conversation will be less awkward if you’re plastered.
Guys– Resist the impulse to talk about yourself just to fill up the silence. You’re a man of the world, and you have more to offer. The key is to show attentive and intelligent interest in the waitress at every given opportunity. Ask the waitress how long she has worked there. Notice her shoes. Smile, nod your head, make eye contact. Let your date know how incredible you can be to any woman who manages to win your favor.
Girls– Now that you’ve actually ordered, it’s time to relax and enjoy yourself. You probably decided in the first 30 seconds whether your date is someone you’d sleep with. If he is, this is the time to ply him with alcohol, bat your pretty lashes, and find out his yearly income and outstanding expenses. Pretend you are a detective and beguile your way through his financial portfolio. You live for this private investigator shit. More likely, he falls into the ‘just friends’ category, so you can set the stage for a chaste evening by describing your cramps, real or fictional. Once that’s taken care of, he’s just a girlfriend with a penis, and you can talk about anything, from your childhood memories to an in depth analysis of your last sexual experience. Men are great listeners when they’ve gone all silent with mortification.
On the Way Home:
Guys– Now is the time to try those lines you learned from Playboy. You know the ones, “I feel really close to you. I’ve been waiting a long time to meet a woman I respect this much. I don’t want this night to ever end. Will you take me home and hold me?”
Girls– They have conducted extensive studies on the topic, and the truth is, men tend to care more about their car upholstery then the embarrassment associated with premature and unpleasant truths. Go ahead and tell him you’re going to yak so he can pull the car over.
The Good Night Kiss:
Guys– There’s just no easy way to go on this one. She might be standing there, jingling her keys, looking deep into your eyes and simply contemplating the depths of her hatred. She may seem to brush you off because she’s shy. You have to take the reigns here. Be a manly man, and say these words, “I can’t get over how much you look like my Uncle Morty.” If she doesn’t deck you then and there, it’s a good likelihood she won’t press charges if you go in for a kiss.
Girls– Listerine pocket packs aren’t miracle workers, darling. If you yakked on the lawn, you’re going to need to do the full dental regalia before you play tongue hockey. If you did manage to keep your spirits down, he’s probably looking pretty good right now. Your judgment’s impaired, it doesn’t get any better than this… so, what the Hell. Go for it.
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Disclaimer: Writers of Stop & Wander are not liable for any lawsuits, injuries, property loss or skeletal fractures that may arise from use of the Valentine’s Dating Guide. The Valentine Guide is meant as a framework of suggestion, not a literal bible for interpersonal success. Readers apply the aforementioned suggestions at their own discretion.