There are days I don’t really want to feel better. The effort to do so sounds false and chirpy in my ears.
There are days I’d rather crash. Fall down. Or fight.
I do like to fight. Not with fists or num-chucks, but I’m not really sure, after all, that those are means by which you can do the most damage.
And that’s the trick, yeah. Fighting so often does damage.
But there have been times when fighting is what made me feel alive. When a decent opponent was the best ally; to have something, someone to clash against. To have a target for my angry energy, and not have to worry about where the arrows fell.
There was someone named Jerry on a political site about a year and half ago. He intimidated people because he was well spoken, and could come up with an onslaught of angles, but a lot of his arguments had holes in them. I was happy to see him. He meant a lot to me, but not in the conventional sense. Jerry kind of roused me to a kinetic state. He gave me something to fight against. And he was almost as inexhaustible in conflict as I am.
Which is weird, but true. It’s like an extension of that thing, where we tend to hear the negatives, and pay attention to them more than we do the positives. I can wake up and engage fully in a conflict, when little else will rouse me from lethargy.
Sometimes I want to fight really bad, but I don’t want to wound people I love irreversibly, and that might be the only one whose going to go there with me.
Tonight’s movie reference: Michael. I haven’t seen it lately, but Michael is about an arch-angel. John Travolta plays the part. It might be his very best role. I’m thinking about the part where he lustily rears up against the bull- “Battle!”
Cus that’s what archangel’s do. Personally, I could never play a harp, but I could totally do the archangel gig.
Something in me wants to fight, needs to fight, sometimes.
Does that ever happen to you?