There are days I don’t really want to feel better. The effort to do so sounds false and chirpy in my ears.

There are days I’d rather crash. Fall down. Or fight.

I do like to fight. Not with fists or num-chucks, but I’m not really sure, after all, that those are means by which you can do the most damage.

And that’s the trick, yeah. Fighting so often does damage.

But there have been times when fighting is what made me feel alive. When a decent opponent was the best ally; to have something, someone to clash against. To have a target for my angry energy, and not have to worry about where the arrows fell.

There was someone named Jerry on a political site about a year and half ago. He intimidated people because he was well spoken, and could come up with an onslaught of angles, but a lot of his arguments had holes in them. I was happy to see him. He meant a lot to me, but not in the conventional sense. Jerry kind of roused me to a kinetic state. He gave me something to fight against. And he was almost as inexhaustible in conflict as I am.

Which is weird, but true. It’s like an extension of that thing, where we tend to hear the negatives, and pay attention to them more than we do the positives. I can wake up and engage fully in a conflict, when little else will rouse me from lethargy.

Sometimes I want to fight really bad, but I don’t want to wound people I love irreversibly, and that might be the only one whose going to go there with me.

Tonight’s movie reference: Michael. I haven’t seen it lately, but Michael is about an arch-angel. John Travolta plays the part. It might be his very best role. I’m thinking about the part where he lustily rears up against the bull- “Battle!”

Cus that’s what archangel’s do. Personally, I could never play a harp, but I could totally do the archangel gig.

Something in me wants to fight, needs to fight, sometimes.

Does that ever happen to you?


10 thoughts on “underspection

  1. Pingback: underspection

  2. Laughing, oh yes, I love a good fight……not the emotional teary kind, hate that, though I do rear up if provoked, I politely call myself fiery, but the intellectual, political kind….I love how the mind freewheels, makes clever unexpected leaps, like a tennis player……..these days I count to ten, getting in a rage isn’t good for me. But I used to belong to a sort of mothers’ forum (yes, I know, I know)……one of the things that kept me there, if I’m honest, was the constant opportunity for a good barnie (lots of right wing, evangelical sorts…….now that really riles me).
    I remember that gloves down at my place with the whippersnapper *grin*, you were pretty magnificent.

  3. No, I’m one of those that gets intimidated. But I love to witness a good fight between worthy opponents, where they stay on topic and don’t resort to name calling and stupidity.

    I have a friend who divorced her first husband because he was too agreeable.

  4. I really understand where you are coming from, Amuirin. I was raised on conflict, drama, tension. It was how I knew I was alive. It was how I knew other people “knew” I was alive. But it can really take a toll in the long haul. Makes you exhausted. So I find it important to see if I can go head to head without smashing heads into brick walls these days.
    Hmm – I’m not sure where this is going. It’s hard sometimes to avoid that fighting feeling, but I think I’m just plain getting too old for all the high drama. Now I guess I’d rather go for a walk in the woods. And while walking, try to tame all the screaming voices into voices that can more calmly offer my opinion. And then I just leave it at that.
    Man – I just realized I’m getting tamer. Hmmmmm…

  5. I used to be an inveterate fight-picker with my ex, but now that I’ve been single for almost three years, I’ve had to learn to give that up as a means of working out my frustrations and needing some kind of movement in my emotional life.

    Now I just internalize it all, which makes me very tired, so I sleep a lot. It would probably be better to go out and punch a stranger just to see what would happen.

  6. Clarification: I didn’t ever physically assault my ex, nor would I ever do that. I was exaggerating for comic effect in the last sentence, but on second thought, I’d hate to be misunderstood.

  7. So, I hear davidrochester is a wife-beater. (Just kidding.)

    This is an interesting question, and I’m glad you asked it. I’m flight energy, not fight energy, which means my first instinct in a tough situation is to flee. Just not even put up with it. HOWEVER, I can pick fights quite a lot, be challenging of others, and just be plain ornery. And I’ve never really thought about those two realities for myself — how I can be flight energy and still be a real pain in the butt when given a chance.

    BTW, I’m really working on being fight energy instead of flight. I want to be solid, take a stand, persist, and not wilt away at the first sign of resistence. I also don’t want to be so contrary. So I think I’m trying to swap those two things about me.

  8. I’m with you, Amurin. I think I came out of the womb fighting, but only to protect myself or others. If you have read my short story, “Serial Caller” on my blog, then you know. Mostly I love, but when there’s a choice of “fight or flight” it’s no contest. You realize all fight is not physical. Yelling at the TV and sending ten faxes a week to congress count, too.

  9. It’s been a while since I was in a bar fight, but those used to be kind of fun. Sort of. Drunks thrashing drunkenly at each other. So, I guess I’m of the num-chuck variety heh. But I’m a happy drunk. Really.

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