Insidious Pussies

What if the creator of the original web-log really did mean for bloggers to post adorable cat pictures?

We’ve all experienced the aberration that is I CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER. We’ve all tread too close for comfort near the murky depths of the cat blogging underground. Most of us have seen tell-tale signs of cat-blogging even in our nearest and dearest… the innocent great-aunt who forwards all those cutesy little e-mails. The seemingly solid head of household tiptoeing down to his basement in the dark hours of the night, his wife sneaking up behind him to discover his porn fetishes only to see… a tiny Abyssinian??? …driving a motorcyle??? “This is what you’ve been doing all these hours?”

Cat-blogging is indicative of something sinister; I think we’re all pretty clear on that. It’s hard not to give in, not to laugh, not to take a little peek at what’s making that retarded WordPress site so damn popular. Cat-bloggers are kind of like pod-people: They don’t even realize they are infecting other people with their brain-washing.

Now. Look down. Is your pinkie crooked?

There’s still a strong, vocal faction of the population who believe robots will ultimately rule the Earth. I am a representative of that sensible demographic, but the pervasive, insidious trend of cat-blogging does bear consideration.

The furballs are taking over.

Before you shrug me off, remember that Egyptians did worship the little bastards. They even went to the trouble of mummifying their mangy little kitty corpses. Were they on to something? How did a small, fuzzy creature who has to lick its own ass, how did such a thing come to dominate the information superhighway? It bears examining, folks.

Whatever the first bloggers meant blogging to be used for, I think all the tech-geeks, the news-vultures, the literaries and the esoteric elitists, I think we all have to band together and resist that siren Siamese call. “Miaou.”

Repeat these words to yourself each time you sit down to the computer. Make them your mantra; make them your battle-cry:

“I will not forward cutesy kitty e-mails. I will not post squashed face whisker-gits on my site, just for a hit-spike. I will not go gently into that dark night. The internet is for PORN not PETS. I will NOT become a CATBLOGGER!”

Good, good, thats the spirit. Now, here’s a little Rorschach test to make sure you aren’t too far gone already. What do you see in the ink-spot? Go ahead, you can tell me.



Update: Validation!

(This post was re-erected from the archives. I posted it first 1 year, 1 month, 1 week ago. Boy, time flies.)


19 thoughts on “Insidious Pussies

  1. Really, I don’t think anybody gets it. Maybe that’s the draw, everyone keeps dropping by to try and figure out why the hell this site is a ‘hot blog’.

  2. I haven’t visited the CHEEZBURGER site. That is one of the wondrous and yet lovely things about being a newbie. I miss out on things that appear to be worth missing out on.

    I do agree with almost everything that you said above and hope that your central thesis becomes much more widely known and indeed jumps to the forefront of the consciousness of most world leaders. There is one small point with which I disagree. I wouldn’t want you to think I’m always being picky though so I figured that I should go on at a bit of length about how wonderful everything else in the post is. And, although I said that I was disagreeing, it isn’t in the sense of contradicting what you’ve said. It is more in the sense of thinking that you’ve omitted something dreadfully important.

    So, without further ado, here’s the additional content. The faction of people who believe that ROBOTs will rule the earth is really two sub-factions. One sub-faction is dreadfully confused and think that their coming rule will be a bad thing and thus want to work against it. To those people, this post offers a chance at salvation. That sub-faction could much better spend their time battling cat bloggers.

    The other faction aren’t exactly after ROBOTs ruling the earth. I (as a card carrying member of that faction as soon as I bother to make myself a card) prefer the phrasing “working towards aiding our benevolent silicon masters eventual emergence from the psychic mists”. And, that faction is in direct agreement with you: the first step is getting rid of the cat bloggers.

    (Well…most of them. My favourite blogger recently posted a picture involving kittens).

  3. Bongo- You know, I’m still reading your raccoon post. The beginning was completely ingenious and swept the robot theory right off the table, but the dense block of tangents that followed up your theory are proving innavigable for my poor, little, hurty brain.

    Stephanie- That’s perfect! Let’s feed the kittens to the acid-rockers.

  4. Were you ever a B Kliban fan? Do you know his guitar-strumming cat’s song: Love to eat those mousies, mousies what I love to eat?

    Imagine my black lab Edie playing that guitar and singing:

    Love to chase those kitties
    Kitties what I love to chase
    Make them scramble frantic
    Bark right in they little face

  5. *blinks*

    Ben, I have no choice but to believe you are a mole sent from the cat-blogging underground to make poor, stupid humans view cute-kitty sites against their will. I rooted out your nefarious plot! I clicked your link, and my pinky has been crooked ever since.

  6. I noticed that this was at the bottom of your “top posts” list and thought that was tragic. So, I clicked on it again. Maybe that will move it back up.

  7. I admit it. I’ve been guilty of posting the occasional cute kitty picture.

    Does that mean I’m infected with that parasite?

    Pretty interesting, though, in all seriousness. If I’m reading that correctly, we have cats to blame for our patriarchal society?

  8. The site in question was making about $5000 a month.

    If you refer to Nostradamus and the Book of Revelation I think Cheezburger is mentioned regarding the coming of the end.

    You are completely right, the internets are for Porn, not Pets. What did cat people before they could blog?

  9. “Now. Look down. Is your pinkie crooked?”

    By jove, I believe it is…

    Oh, wait– you’re not talking about *that* pinkie, are you?

    Never mind, forget I ever brought it up…

    No, wait, I didn’t mean it like th–

  10. While my bolg is not a cat blog, I just wanted to say that cats do, in fact rule, and that when the world ends in 2012, the cats will become the overlords of the world that emerges. So make nice with them now.

    Oh, and I CAN HAS CHEESEBURGER is funny as hell.

  11. Something about adding text to pictures of cats makes me laugh. Cats are very expressive and cute and captioning shit is fun.

    I don’t generally POST cats on my blog (I say generally because it HAS happened in the past) but I do collect funny cat pictures. My folder of cat captions contains 224 images.

    Hm. That isn’t enough. Time to get MOAR!

  12. Ha, See? See? Look at the comments now as compared to last year…. a big bunch of kitty sympathizers, that’s what you are! If I needed proof to support my premise, there’s plenty of it right here…. the furballs have made inroads. Definitely.


    Robin- If the parasite isn’t a cause, it sounds to be a factor, at any rate. But it’s always hard to tell which is the cause and which is the effect. At any rate, I found that article mind boggling.

  13. I like the blog about blogging. My next blog will be about my infinite detestation of cats. Between the little slime-piles they deposit in my garden, to their 4:10am-6:30am mreeeoowwwlllling of lust, I think they’re the least useful or likable domesticated animal.

    Also, I Can Has Cheezburger is not funny. At least not today.

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