I iz noT bLUFFing

The sound was off, but the television still flickered, casting odd shadows on the dark walls as he sat at his computer. With a grin, he pushed the ‘submit’ button, and the latest, whisker-faced horror appeared in its full throttle cutesiness on screen.

“That should do it.”

He rose to turn off the television but paused for a moment. It was the muppet show, one of the old, classic episodes.

“Odd.”

He paused to watch a moment. Muppets on Sci-fi? Surely a programming fubar. He reached once more for the dial and suddenly saw that down in the corner of the screen, Gonzo was finally making it with one of the buxom chickens. Feathers were flying, the cameras began to pan away from Kermit’s antics and toward the sweaty, hook-nosed tussle at the side of the stage.

Molo stared fascinated and repulsed. “That’s nasty!”

High pitched, maniacal laughter suddenly filled the room, though the sound on the t.v. was still turned all the way down.

A face glowed onto the screen, faintly pink and prominently snouted. Molo began to feel his body transform irresistibly.

“No. Stop it! NOOOOO!”

“Too late… ” said the sickeningly sweet Henson creation. “You see, I like the look of you, Molee…”

In mere moments the metamorpheses was complete. Molo pattered to the bathroom and climbed up on the counter. His eyes, once shrewd, were now googly. His limbs were ridiculously thin and flexible. Hair had been replaced by a synthetic blend in child friendly colors, and his entire person was made out of felt.

“Change me back!” He roared at the blonde swine batting her lashes at his new exterior.

“Not yet… first you must have the chance to experience muppet ecstasy.”

“I’ll never…! You can’t have me!”

“Oh, I can’t?”

Molo muppet felt a strange sensation overcome him as invisible threads moved him away from the mirror and toward the battered 70’s retro couch with mustard stains. It was oddly sensual to have no volition. He felt himself sinking into the mindless tug of muppet compliance, but caught himself and began to struggle.

Piggy sighed. “For now, you may watch.”

It was alarming to have no power, to feel his head focused forward, even as he closed his googly eyes stubbornly. He could hear them filing into the room, the small nasal mutters of the Doozers from Fraggle Rock. He wouldn’t look but he knew something unspeakably horrifying was about to transpire.

It began with her soft sighs, and the rustle of felt. Soon she was squealling and asking for more and the Doozers were politely intoning. “Your turn. I’ve had a go.”

“Yes, yes!” screamed piggy. “Oh, give it to me, give it to me, my little green men!”

“With pleasure.” They chanted in unison. “With pleasure, Miss Piggy. Again! Again!”

“Molleee….. open your eyes!” She called.

Molo clenched his tiny, fingerless fists and refused. For hours it went on, until he must have slept. In sweaty, troubled dreams Rolf was playing “76 Long-bones” While Fozzie gummed Mokey’s nipples, and Kermit took Foz from behind, saying, “Hi-ho, Kermit the frog here…”

The quiet is what woke him. When he cautiously rolled one lid back he saw that he was sitting in a circle of muppets, and all eyes were on him.

“Are you okay?” Said a gentle little brunette from Sesame Street. “We heard the sounds, she must have ridden you pretty hard.”

“I didn’t…” he gasped.

“She’s impossible to say no to. I still have the scars.” sighed Grover.

“Where am I?”

Molo looked around. There was a table in the center of the circle. Cards were arranged on the table. Cards and chips. Cards and chips and fried food.

“Is this a seance?”

The muppets all laughed. An androgynous thing with antennaes put her hand on his thigh, and he jumped.

“Relax man, it’s just a game. Just a good game of poker.”

“Poker?”

He saw suggestiveness in every act. The soft rhythm of Elmo’s voice as he explained the rules seemed purposely sensual. The slap of the cards, the taking the giving, the ruthless dominance of the big-blinds, the helpless slavegirl aspect of the short stacks. It was just all wrong, all wrong.

“Fold.” He whispered, again and again.

“Deal.” Came the merciless voice.

He was on the big blind. It was getting really dangerous. He could feel the pig’s breath on the back of his neck. Somehow, someway she was engineering this. Somehow she was getting her way.

The little brunette that he’d made the mistake of trusting put him all-in.

With an air of perfect defeat, he threw his cards in. “Not playin’ that game.”

The muppet girl leered at him, as she turned over her cards:

7 of clubs, 2 of diamonds.

“That’s what they call… a bluff.” she smiled.

“Who are you?” Molo moaned.

“Mary Sue Muppet, but of course!” She curtsied and her shirt fell off.

“No! No! No!” Shouted Molo. Lunging he grabbed hold of the little muppet kitten licking her paws under the table. He pushed its face in swiftly, fluffed its fur, and wielded it at the table of evil muppets. They lunged back gasping.

I iz MOLO. Nawt a Muppet! I iz Leaving this Evil Playse!

“Why is he talking like that?”

“I don’t know, but I’m scared.”

“U tak me homes! I are omgTired of NitermareZ! Releese Molo!”

“Drop the cat.” came the voice of Miss Piggy, all sweetness gone now.

“NeverZ!” Molo muppet grabbed for a half-gnawed lemon rind, and placed it on the kitten’s head like a jaunty, yellow hat. “Me so cute! Mewz, mewz! Y u fuck wit me, huh?”

The muppets around the table grabbed their heads and began to moan. The cuteness was defeating them.

“Y it kanz u hold me heres?! Omfg, home goes now!”

“Alright! Okay! Just stop talking like that, please! You can go home!” Piggy waved her hand in the air, and suddenly Molo shot up to four times his height. Scrambling, he kicked muppets left and right in his hurry to get out of this terrible world.

And then he was waking up.

“I iz home?” he muttered. “I iz home now? No pig sex?”

“There, there. ” said a voice. “You’re okay. It was all a dream. Don’t worry. You’re just sick. Very sick. You have a little virus is all.”

“Virus?” His eyes flew open.

No longer googly eyed, but still recognizable by the leer, the brunette smiled down at him. “Yes, just a little brain-bug. You’re going to be fine.”

“Oh Noes!” said Molo.

“O Yes.” She said. “O yes, o yes indeed. LoL.”

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25 thoughts on “I iz noT bLUFFing

  1. You should check the plural of ‘antenna’ in your dictionary. Please use either ‘antennas’ or ‘antennae’ for in the future, depending.

  2. My original point still stands. How long can this continue, posting half-assed muppet schlock using the internet nicknames of people? It’s not even an issue though; I stole Molo from Orson Scott Card, so there’s no real attachment there.

    You simply are unable to turn your blog into *this* for an appreciable length of time. It’s not in you. It will become impossible for you to express creatively through drek. Full marks for this one, maybe. But you’ve drained the well dry, now. There’s nothing in this to pull up again.

    Celebrate a one-hand bluff, fine. I’m looking at the whole tournament, and you’re getting excited when you win a penny-ante pot. Your yes-men will continue to cheer based on what you’ve done in the past, not what you’re doing here, now.

    No one wants to see this kind of drivel go to an all-in showdown, though.

    However, I could be proven wrong. You could write for BSG, now, since it’s possible that is about as good as you’re going to get. I doubt that, though.

  3. Relax, Hoss.

    I’m not that stubborn. The overhaul will last until the moment I get bored, no longer.

    u R canz capiche?

    Just sit back and enjoy being moloested.

  4. I haven’t seen someone dressed as an eagle with a dog-collar and a pair of chaps since I hit the gay bars in Kabukicho.

    It wasn’t that interesting.

  5. No, no, Not me “I”, one of the participants “I”. Don’t try to ensnare me in this crazy muppet fantasyland.

    *flees*

  6. My favorite line was “Hi-ho, Kermit the Frog here.”

    Oh, man.

    And I loved Sam the Eagle. In your next installment, assuming that there is one, please feature him, plus the ballroom dancers with the hoary old chestnut jokes, plus also the heckling guys in the balcony.

    I totally love The Muppet Show.

  7. The ballroom dancers! K, I’m saving these up. Gelflings, The Mighty Favog, Sam Eagle.

    aefiel- lol, I was kinda appalled when I looked at it again today.

    Sb- go ahead. You can run, but you can’t….. skip backwards… very well. Probably.

    jo- ty, ty! I imagine you sipping a cosmpolitan when you talk like that.

    Stevo- Aw… you noticed! I bet you’re high stakes, anyway.

    Robin knows. Robin knew.

    Paul- see, you shouldn’t encourage me when I’m full of myself. Not that I mind.

    Bo- I wonder what ever became of Mikey…

    jaynova- Why the Mighty Favog, though? Why? I thought the Doozers were such a solid gold reference.

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