BSG: Who would you Boink?

Tonight, new episodes of Battlestar Galactica return to the Sci-Fi Channel at 10pm. I suspect most of the weebles probably don’t watch BSG, so I’m going to prepare you to answer the most important question regarding the series. This way if someone accosts you on the street with the urgent question: “Who do you think the 5th and final cylon is?” You can give the appropriate response: “I don’t freakin’ care, but I would totally sleep with _______”

BSG S.Q. CHARACTER GUIDE

-Admiral William Adama

Played by Edward James Olmos, Adama is the Admiral of the fleet and commanding officer of the Battlestar Galactica. A soft-spoken hard-hitter, the senior Adama would likely appeal to Daddy’s girls, female literature professors, and closeted Semper Fi’s with unresolved yearnings.

– President Laura Roslin

You may recognize Mary McDonnell from Dances with Wolves and Independence Day. Roslin in a tough, savvy politician with a few moral gray areas. She has cancer in the program, but this is a woman who could still competently handle a whip/football team/chicken. By the look in her eye, you know she views any male ranking less than admiral as merely breakfast.

– Starbuck

Yes, she’s a girl! From Oregon! True story: Portland born Katee Sackhoff brings an edge to Viper Pilot Kara Thrace that the original, congenial male Starbuck probably never envisioned. Though a very tough and physical character, there is a certain transparency, a lack of manipulation to Starbuck that would probably appeal to anyone who has recently survived a divorce.

– Lee ‘Apollo’ Adama

Former viper pilot, and only remaining son of the Admiral, Lee Adama is the idealist of the group. He has a great body, and a moral compass that would make 82% of all potential mates develop a severe inferiority complex. Lee would be the wet-dream of far-lefties, pro-bono attorneys and John Mayer fans. Oh, btw, Dibs.

-Dr. Gaius Baltar

I don’t want my own impression of Baltar to color your perceptions (he’s a sleazeball). I will say that Baltar is probably the best dresser on the show. I won’t say that this is because his vanity is of mammoth, unwieldy proportions. (oops) I will say, he isn’t real hard to get. Just be reasonably attractive and look at him for a second, he’s yours. Baltar’s a good person to be with if you’ve recently been dumped by someone like Lee Adama. You can feel morally superior to Baltar right up until he sleeps with your mom at your graduation dinner. After that you should focus more energy on hoping they used protection.

-Six

Oh, she’s a man-eater. She’s also a cylon, but if a little artificial intelligence doesn’t bother you, this bionic ‘skin-job’ can offer both physical and mental challenges to satisfy the masochist in you. Yeah, she’s a little unpredictable: One moment she’s pledging her eternal love to a human and coming across all vulnerable, the next she’s beating up old eyepatch and slamming Baltar around by the hair. But men love that shit, don’t they? Oh, btw- she has sisters. Lots and lots of sisters.

-Samuel T. Anders

In case you can’t tell from the name alone, Anders is an all-purpose hottie. Pilot, resistance fighter, conveniently qualified husband to Kara Thrace (or at least to her impulsive libido) Anders is your standard go-to guy. The name says it all: Samuel T., c’mon. They don’t give a character a middle initial unless it means something. ‘T.’ means trustworthy character, and ‘Z.’ means reliably evil. Anders would be ideal for uncomplicated carnal stress relief in a car or a warehouse. He’s just that kind of guy. Er… cylon, rather.

– Galen Tyrol

Tyrol is the every man’s man. He gets his hands dirty, damn it. He shows up every day and does his job. But… like so many of us, he has quirks. 1. He’s a cylon. To his credit, this realization has brought him intense anguish, but still. 2. After his wife, Cally, died (got offed by a Cylon) he screamed about the ‘boiled cabbage stench of her’. I personally find this intimidating. It would suck to be in a relationship with someone and discover that this is the epitaph they’ve been storing up.

-Tory Foster

The cylon who killed Galen’s wife, y’know? Yeah, it was her. Tory: Advisor to the president, closet Cylon, Baltar’s part-time bimbo (she also nailed Anders), manipulator extraordinaire. If snakes fascinate you, or you find yourself envious of Michael Douglas in Basic Instinct, Tory might just be your ticket to ride.

– Saul Tigh

For anyone trying to wean themselves off a pirate fetish, I present Saul Tigh. The gravelly voice, the eyepatch, the alcoholic tendencies, all these should make your transition from swashbucklers to bitter old men very smooth and easy going. You probably expect it by this point, but yeah, he’s a Cylon, too.

-Cylon Hybrid

I don’t fully understand what exactly she does. She’s plugged into the ship somehow, and she lives in one of those pools where the Cylons are ‘born’ again after being downloaded. Both scary and wise, the Hybrid *knows* things. Given, she doesn’t get out much, still this character might appeal to that shady demographic who patronize Hentai tentacle porn.

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So now you have a cornucopia of interesting choices. Which one of these characters would YOU repopulate the planet Earth with?

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31 thoughts on “BSG: Who would you Boink?

  1. Ugh, who’d want Six? She’s always wearing bad hats, has a terrible fashion sense, hangs out with that chumpstain Joey Lawrence….wait, that’s Six from ‘Blossom’. Never mind.

    The Hybrid would be…weird.But it’s either her/it (?) or maybe Racetrack, who didn’t make your list. Or Cally. She’ll leave you breathless! Blow you away! Make you feel like you’re floating in space! Or something. Not that I watch the show.

  2. I think I might have mentioned before that I’m picky (…..do any of them write poetry ha ha (beyond the boiled cabbage stench of her)?). For pure lust sake, the only one remotely attractive (as I don’t watch the show) is the Samuel T dude…..I’m thinking Han Solo, sorta :) Loved the blow by blow…..

  3. Molo- I don’t know much about racetrack, though she was featured a bit in the last episode. The hybrid, eh? That’s… interesting.

    jo- Probably the admiral is the one with a poet’s soul. Yup. Speaking of Han Solo… have you seen Indiana Jones yet? And how was Sex and the City? Worth seein?

    Steve- lol, figures you’d go for Athena. I didn’t put Helio on either, I guess I kinda see those two as almost sacredly attached, they’re so connected at the hip. Plus, they have a kid… y’know. I put them in the boink-free zone.

    Robin- Roslin looks awesome in that photo, but I think…. like, if you saw Apollo in action- that photo so doesn’t do him justice.

  4. SATC was a huuuuuge disappointment. I mean it was okay, but dvd only, none of the HBO wit and outrageousness, like it had been dumbed down for Hollywood.

  5. Well, those five ladies are not candidates for me.

    Laura: Too stressed out all the time. Too self important. Too worried constantly about the survival of the human race. Give it a rest! I don’t think she could relax long enough for anything to happen.

    Starbuck: This would not be any fun at all. She has way too many issues. I’m also afraid she would be a biter.

    Six: Too preachy. Also I couldn’t ever be sure she was really there. I might just figure out I was standing in the lab with my pants down… all alone.

    Tory: Hi! I’m a minor, throw-away character. Oops, hold on. I’m a cylon. NOW I’M A MAIN CHARACTER. The crying would not work for me, nor would the psychotic new stuff work.

    Cylon Hybrid: Just… no.

  6. Slothboy: What’s wrong with the Hybrid? The main problem with the first four is, really, they have too many issues. The Hybrid really has *no* issues whatsoever.

    In all these cases, though, I think Baltar might have got DRADIS contacts with that whole lot. That’s enough to put me off my feed, as it were.

  7. What’s wrong with having sex with a semi-conscious bed ridden chick hooked up to life support?

    Is that your question?

  8. First, a Hybrid isn’t semi-conscious; it’s (she?) in a different state of consciousness. Second, a Hybrid isn’t so much bed-ridden as…fishy. Like a fish in a tank; maybe she’s not leaving the tank, but the Hybrid has good mobility inside of it. But she’s not getting up and walking around, true. She doesn’t get up because there’s no reason to. She moves when others are interacting with her (I believe with both Baltar and Starbuck) and during a jump.

    As for life-support, I got nothing.

    So, here’s my question, rephrased; What’s wrong with having sex with another being in a different state of consciousness, who moves well in a tank but cannot get out, and yes, is hooked up to life support?

  9. Oh, oh, oh! I know, I know this one!

    “What’s wrong with having sex with another being in a different state of consciousness, who moves well in a tank but cannot get out, and yes, is hooked up to life support?”

    Answer: It’s ICKY.

  10. Icky? Bah; sex with robots in general is icky (cf. Aibo). Sex with other complete, distinct species is icky (cf. monkeys). Sex with robots which are their own separate, distinct species is icky (cf, again, Aibo. Or Cylons).

    As long as everyone/thing is consenting, hell, Centurions should be on the table. Or maybe not.

  11. Well, that’s another issue.

    If you have two beings that experience different states of consciousness it would be really hard to establish whether what one perceives as consent on the other’s part is, in fact, consent… or if that being is wishfully translating the language/actions of the other which might express the opposite of consent in that particular being’s particular dimension of existence.

    And there’s still the ick factor.

  12. Maybe consciousness isn’t a good word, awareness is better. I generally require the other party to be interested in the “doings” in order for me to be interested myself. The hybrid would be like having sex with a catatonic or schizoid patient in a mental institution.

    From what I’ve seen on the show, the hybrid doesn’t seem to perceive others in any sort of sexual way.

  13. Well, the Hybrid is “programmed” to run the higher functions of the ship, much like Gypsy on the Satellite of Love. If we accept that, then it makes sense that a Hybrid could be “reprogrammed” for other tasks. Eww; that sounds pretty sick, but I didn’t make this list, or the Hybrids.

    Anyway, in terms of awareness: When the Hybrid has wished to communicate with others (cf. Starbuck), then it does so. This could be that it’s ‘unaware’ usually, or that it is just too damn busy to pay attention. But it chooses the moments, not the other way around.

    If the Hybrid said to me, “Return to page 1, repeat, the crown of the Glittering Charm Shield is in the Beholder’s Lair,” then (obviously) nothing doing. However, if it said “Come here, you big hunk of Molo,” or something like that, then all bets are off.

    Also: If the Hybrid hasn’t been presented on the show in a sexual way, then it’s probably the only person/object who/that hasn’t (or the Old Man). The Hybrid might be the only one not completely obsessed with sex in the BSG Universe, and that right there sets it above the others.

  14. Is the hybrid programmed to run the ship or is the ship designed to be run by the hybrid. I think the hybrid is what it is, they are taking advantage of her unique qualities.

    The fact that BSG sexually exploits every conceivable aspect of the show that is remotely sexy leads me to believe that since they haven’t gone there with the hybrids that they are non-sexual.

    I mean she’s chilling in a jacuzzi at ALL TIMES. If that doesn’t put her in the mood then I don’t know what would.

  15. P.S. I actually think “Return to page 1, repeat, the crown of the Glittering Charm Shield is in the Beholder’s Lair,” means she might be talking about sex. Hm…

  16. If they made the ship for the Hybrids, what’s the Hybrid doing beforehand? And it took how long to out Tigh as a skin-job? Just because something hasn’t been done on the show, doesn’t mean it’s not in the works. Hybrids are bringing sexy back by the finale. Mark my words.

    Maybe the Hybrid’s burnt out on the whole jacuzzi shtick. Change of environs never hurt nobody.

    As for the PS: Ha. The ROTFLHybrid goes repeat repeat repeat.

  17. The hybrids as they exist are from the failed attempts to create a normal human cylon hybrid. They didn’t set out to make weird critters that can only survive in a tank of goo. I think they probably just got rid of the first few or simply put them somewhere to live out their days and eventuall somebody stumbled onto their ability to sense the universe and decided to integrate them into the base stars.

    They aren’t programmed they just are what they are. So you can’t reprogram them as sex slaves. Sorry.

  18. I thought it was a good idea at the time. Molly’s been to China, too.

    Hybrids aren’t failed, you know. They’re like Raiders, true bio-mechanical beings, real-ass cyborgs. And based on how they act in the series, they already *are* sex slaves, with that oh-so-happy climatic pulse they get surging through them at the moment of jump. Which, by the way, they don’t get a lot of say in.

    Hell, I’d be a Hybrid Don Juan, by spinning up the FTL drive (foreplay?) and jumping a lot. Heh. “Wanna spin the drive and jump a lot?” I’m gonna remember that one.

    So, there you go. I choose the Hybrid, because it allows me to make her happy while staying pretty much on the bridge. Everyone wins.

  19. That’s a damn, creepy image.

    Walk into the bathroom around 3 am, flip on the light, and hear: Return to page 1, repeat, the crown of the Glittering Charm Shield is in the Beholder’s Lair. as I’m getting ready to relieve myself?

    Yes, shudder.

  20. Ach! We’re here in the mountains, no satellite, no cable, stuck at the end of the last season. Don’t want to jump in in the middle and itunes no longer trades in BG episodes. Where to download them? Anybody know? As to sex with aliens, cyborgs, mutants, hybrids, pale creatures in bathtubs… well, as long as I can establish an emotional connection…

  21. Hi Amuirin!

    Oh man, I’m all about Athena/Boomer! Although she’s been looking rough lately.

    Starbuck would likely fuck me, whether I liked it or not. Same with Baltar, probably.

    Dualla – she’s recently divorced!

    What about the 3’s?!? Xena!! Oh man, that would be amazing…I’m going to go watch last weeks episode again…

  22. Hi Mocku

    :)

    Stevo was royally pissed that Athena/Boomer wasn’t on the list, too. She just seems so taken.

    I’m miffed at Dualla, first for marrying Apollo then for leaving him. She can go cuddle with a Cylon for all I care. Except not Leoben. #2 is sorta hot.

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