The candy antidote to callous Tuesday

Brief disclaimer: This is totally retarded.

We made M&M people. It was kind of fun. Here they are, and here’s what they’d say if they could talk. (Much more time than strictly necessary was spent on the creation of these characters. As it turns out, certain people who shall remain nameless would rather design candy people than put their time to some relevant use.)


Vivi Lemonade

Mitchum Rex

Ally Pertbottom

Nicky LeNut

Madison Main

Kevin ‘Kevbo’ Bungie

Maria Shivercrank

Vivi Comes to Town

Act 1, Scene -11:

Vivi arrives suddenly. She is odd looking and fairly scary, but in that Marilyn Manson kind of way that is also eerily cool. The other M&M’s whisper among themselves except for Nicky LeNut and Maria Shivercrank who are a ‘new thing’ and not aware that anything exists outside their circle of bliss.

Ally– Rex, did you see the freaky new girl?

Rex– Yeah, babe, she’s standin’ right behind you.

Ally– *swivels* Hello there. Welcome to Mars.

Vivi– (blinks) Vhere are your vyootiful candies, I hear so much avout?

Ally– Gosh, you sound sorta funny. Did someone leave you in the sun?

Rex (stepping forward)- Hello, Miss, and welcome to Mars.

Vivi– Hello. Zat is a funny name for a town.

Madison Main– It’s not a town, it’s our company.

Vivi– Still funny. I vould keep better company.

Madison Main– (cooly) Well, don’t let us keep you.

Rex– Cool it, Madison. She’s our resident Ice-queen, Vivi, don’t let her scare you. Can I offer you anything?

Vivi– (Staring at Madison with her strange pink eyes) You do not look like a ‘Madison’. I vould call you something else. Maybe Peppette.

Madison– That’s not my name.

Vivi– Vhat care I what your name is? I vill be queen here.

Madison– I don’t believe freaks are eligible for that position.

Rex– Mad! What’s gotten into you!

Kevbo– Dude! Girl-fight. Someone find some mud!

Rex– You’re a troglodyte.

Kevbo– And you’re a tight-ass. Let them duke it out!

Ally Pertbottom– Oh, let’s not. Maddy, come over here. Let’s find out about our visitor before we start in on her. Maybe she’s a Kappa Peanut, too!

Rex– Yes, Vivi, why don’t you tell us a little about you? Where are you from, and what brings you to Mars? Any relatives nearby…?

Vivi– (Still staring pointedly at Madison) Vell, I am from ze rival company, and I have come to take over and melt you all down to chocolate. Ve vill liquidate your bodies for cacao, and sell you as Sixlets. A better vorld order.

(uncomfortable pause)

Kevbo– Bitchin! This chick means business. My kinda lady.

Vivi– (ignoring Kev) You vould be first, I think… Peppette.

Madison– It’s Madison.

Vivi– Come here my vittle scotty dog, I vill fit for you a collar, and teach you to beg.

Rex– (clearing throat) Uh, ma’am. This here is a G-rated establishment. You can’t come in here and start talking like a kinky foreigner on a whim.

Maria Shivercrank– (giggles from the corner where she’s holed up with Nicky) Ohhh, Nicky…

(smacking sounds)

Vivi– And vhat about them? He is trying to crack her shell, right here in a public place.

Ally– *gasps*

Rex– Ma’am, you better watch your language. There are ladies present.

Vivi– (staring straight at Madison) Vhere?

Madison– Eat me, you artificially sweetened bitch.

Vivi– I vill, but not till you’ve learned a lesson.

Ally– (swings her camera out and clocks Vivi right in her pink round mug.) Hya! Take that!

Vivi falls backwards, and there is a loud cracking sound. Suddenly molten chocolate starts to flow from underneath the fallen pink candy, and fills the room. It keeps flowing and flowing, untill all the candies are struggling to swim.

Kevbo– I’m melting! I’m melting!

Ally– Shut up, Kev. We’re ALL melting!

Maria Shivercrank– Nicky! Baby!

Nicky– I’m here my little cacao nugget! I’m here my little wax-shelled gem!

Maria– Don’t ever leave me Nicky! I’m just a low-priced simulation of milk chocolate without you!

Nicky– Never! Not till the day I’m sugary pulp on a soccermom’s molar!

Madison- I think I’m gonna hurl.

Rex– Yeah, do we really hafta die to this dialogue?

Ally– Has it occurred to any of you that this whole scenario is illogical?

Kevbo– Has it occurred to you, Missy Pertbottom, that this is all your fuckin’ fault?

Ally– Com’ere and say that!

Kevbo– I would if I could swim!

Rex– *musing* she must have been some kind of alien M&M. No way a common candy-coated chocolate could excrete that way.

Kevbo– *wistfully* I bet she was a pistol in the sack.

Madison Main– You can all go to hell.

Ally– Who asked you, Peppette!

Madison– Bitch!

Ally– Carob!

Madison– Take it back!

Ally– I’m so- rrrrgggurggle

Madison– Gurggle gurrgle

All the m&m’s– Gurgggle gurggle gurrgle *die*



The End… I guess. Whatever.


9 thoughts on “The candy antidote to callous Tuesday

  1. It’s gone. It was brilliant, Amuirin. Control through the prose, honesty and dignity. The clarity of the prose allowed the ideas to be expressed with great energy. Your dignity and strength and honesty were perfectly clear. It was a siezing back of power for which you should be tremendously congratulated and of which you should be proud.

  2. Thank you for pick-me-up on my first day back in the office after a very, very long weekend. Usually I dive into my boss’ bowl of M&Ms after lunch for a little dessert. But, I think your story is enough of a chocolate fix (and I’ll never look at those tasty little buggers the same again).

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