If there is a way to eat a salad without looking unmanly, or at least like a wussy man, I haven’t found it. I suppose I might try to use chopsticks or just go at it like it’s a trough, but that piece of dressing-dripping lettuce clinging to my chin doesn’t sound like it would light fires in the hearts or even loins of witnessing women.
Speak for yourself. Personally, there’s nothing that makes my feminine loins more fuck-me-Elvis humid than a friendly, thousand-island plastered grin… except maybe hairy toes. I *love* hairy toes.
So the problem, then, is that I’ve been using a vinaigrette, even, on occasion, a super-wussy raspberry vinaigrette, rather than a good old fashioned creamy-chunky dressing. That, and shaving my toes. But it’s so soothing to have freshly-shaven toes.
You’re a toe-shaver? And you’re afraid it’s the salad bit that’s gonna make you look like a girly man?
Well, sure, I always figured that by the time a woman gets around to viewing the astoundingly smooth beauty of my perfectly shaven toes, my manliness will already be well proven. That might be a tad overly-optimistic, I know, especially with the salad as a stumbling block (even if the dressing does have Paul Newman on the label).
It depends what kind of woman you are trying to impress. Liberal, hippy, eco-friendly girls dig the whole ‘Oh look, he eats like a rabbit’ thing. Organic dressing might even get you to first base, but if you’re trying to wow one of those Daughter of the Revolution sorts you better start ordering bloody, undercooked steaks, and forego the silverware for a bowie knife. (It might also be helpful to invest in a platter-sized belt-buckle).
You make an excellent point, but if I start getting all macho like that, it won’t be long until I can’t even shave my own toes. Sure, sure, I know what you’re thinking: By that time I’d have someone who would be all hot and happy about shaving them for me, but I still wouldn’t be able to admire their smoothness over the platter sized belt-buckle. How about a compromise. I’ll eat my salad with a Bowie knife?
Remember, compromises tend to please no one. You start pulling weaponry on your veggies, the hippy chicks are gonna write you off as too militant. The D.A.R’s will view you as hopelessly backwater. The only ones who are gonna be impressed by that are nutbars and fruit-loops…. (which, by the way, sounds like a better lunch than a wussy-assed plate full of glorified weeds.)
Well damn, nutbars and fruit-loops sounds like a perfect lunch! And the perfect companions for lunch! So do you want to join me then? I promise, no pictures of Paul Newman this time, but, just because it’s you, I may leave something or other dangling off my chin.