Valentine Dating Guide

Here you go, a hit and miss guide to making a smashed success out of your Valentine’s Day, from a self-appointed expert in the field of crazy romance. (Who may or may not have been bitterly single at the time of publication.)

The Preamble:

Guys- Girls hate it when you appear too eager or desperate. Wait until late afternoon of February the 14th before calling and asking for a date. If the girl you really like is not available, just go to the next one on your list. Repeat until you find someone who isn’t busy. This may require an extended area white pages directory.

Girls- Guys love it when you appear eager and desperate. In their heads, this secures the notion that you will ‘put out’ on a date. Give an enthusiastic “Yes!” to every guy who asks you out on Valentine’s Day. Forget about these commitments once you decide who you really want to go out with. If the man you have your eye on hasn’t called by Wednesday, dump a root-beer on his head in a public place, and don’t explain why.

What to wear:

Guys– It’s the night of the big date, now don’t blow it by getting too classy. Remember: Girls run from the slightest hint of desperation. Make all the dudes in sport coats look like maroons by showing up in a muscle shirt and flip-flops, or any T-shirt sporting ‘The Simpsons‘ insignia. She may hate you on sight, but everybody loves Bart.

Girls- You probably think I’m going to suggest that you flash a little skin in a classy way. Just a provocative hint to keep his eyes focused the whole night through. WRONG! You see, men want what they cannot have. If you really want to drive him crazy, cover yourself from head to toe. Bulky sweaters and oversized culottes with leg-warmers are a definite winner, but a gauze face veil and a shapeless cape will also make his heart go pitter-patter. If you want to risk coming off trashy, there’s always the 19th century high-necked librarian blouse and full quilted petticoats, but honestly… only a slut would wear that on a first date.

The Pick-up:

Guys- A smart guy knows that whoever a girl is living with, be it her parents, cats, a roommate, these members of the household will hate you on sight. Don’t give them the chance to shoot you down when you’re not around to defend yourself. Instead of going to the door, lean on the horn and give a few sharp blasts. Repeat as necessary; she’s likely to emerge in a hurry.

Girls- In romance, it’s extremely important to make a man wait. For everything. Every… little… tiny… thing. When your date comes to the door, invite him inside and introduce him to your cats. Get out the benadryl for the inevitable allergic reaction. Tell him you “just have to put on some lipstick”, and then go change your hair and outfit twenty-two times. Reunite with your date 40 minutes later. Unless he’s gone into anaphylactic shock, he’ll be happy to see you.

In the Car:

Guys- You’re probably nervous as Hell at this point, and couldn’t get a boner even if Cindy Crawford spit-polished your chubby. It doesn’t matter. Fake it. Try a cheap feel-up in the parking lot unless you want rumors swirling by the dessert course about your upcoming debut on Project Runway.

Girls- Women who appear too friendly and accessible before the appetizer risk the possibility of their date asking them to ‘Go Dutch’. Be silent and impassive in the car. Stare straight ahead and stick to surly, ambiguous snarls when he asks you which radio station you’d like to listen to.

Ordering Dinner:

Guys- This is your one and only opportunity to save money, and if you don’t make the most of it, you have no one to blame but yourself. Jump in as quickly as possible to order for your date. Get a gander at the wine list first. You can try asking her to stick to soda pop, but if you don’t ask, she can’t say no, so the cheapest bottle of wine is likely less risk. You can head an economic catastrophe off at the pass by asking the waiter for the A la Carte menu and pulling a switcheroo before she ever gets a look at the Entrees. If none of this works, order a small salad for your dinner in an effort to embarrass her into doing the same.

Girls- Order the most expensive thing on the menu. It doesn’t matter if you like it, the whole point is to see if this man is a good provider who will one day send you off with a decent divorce settlement. Allow him to suggest a wine, and when it arrives, don’t like it. Insist that there’s something wrong with it. If the restaurant provides a new bottle, gag on the first sip. Spend the rest of the evening ordering different kinds of wine by the glass. The conversation will be a lot less awkward if you’re plastered.

Small Talk:

Guys- Resist the impulse to talk about yourself just to fill up the silence. You’re a man of the world, and you have more to offer. The key is to show attentive and intelligent interest in the waitress at every given opportunity. Ask the waitress how long she has worked there. Notice her shoes. Smile, nod your head, make eye contact. Let your date know how incredible you can be to any woman who manages to win your favor.

Girls- Now that you’ve actually ordered, it’s time to relax and enjoy yourself. You probably decided in the first 30 seconds whether your date is someone you’d sleep with. If he is, this is the time to ply him with alcohol, bat your pretty lashes, and find out his yearly income and outstanding expenses. Pretend you are a detective and beguile your way through his financial portfolio. Admit it, you live for this private investigator shit. More likely, he falls into the ‘just friends’ category, so you can set the stage for a chaste evening by describing your cramps, real or fictional in graphic detail. Once that’s taken care of, he’s just a girlfriend with a penis, and you can talk about anything, from your childhood memories to an in depth analysis of your last sexual experience. Men are great listeners when they’ve gone all silent with mortification.

On the Way Home:

Guys– Now is the time to try those lines you learned from Playboy. You know what I’m talking about, “I feel really close to you. I’ve been waiting a long time to meet a woman I respect this much. I don’t want this feeling to go away. Will you take me home and hold me?”

Girls- They have conducted extensive studies on the topic, and the truth is, men tend to care more about their car upholstery then the embarrassment associated with premature and unpleasant truths. Go ahead and tell him you’re going to yak so he can pull the car over.

The Good Night Kiss:

Guys- There’s no easy way to go on this one. She might be standing there, jingling her keys, looking deep into your eyes and simply contemplating the depths of her hatred. She may seem to brush you off because she’s shy. You have to take the reigns here. Be a manly man, and say these words, “I can’t get over how much you look like my Uncle Morty.” If she doesn’t deck you then and there, it’s a good likelihood she won’t press charges if you go in for a kiss.

Girls- Listerine pocket packs aren’t miracle workers, darling. If you yakked on the lawn, you’re going to need to do the full dental regalia before you play tongue hockey. If you did manage to keep your spirits down, he’s probably looking pretty good right now. Your judgment’s impaired, it doesn’t get any better than this… so, what the Hell. Go for it.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Disclaimer: Writers of Stop & Wander are not liable for any lawsuits, injuries, property loss or skeletal fractures that may arise from use of the Valentine’s Dating Guide.

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20 thoughts on “Valentine Dating Guide

  1. Pingback: Dating Advice - Anything ‘08 : Blog Archive : Valentine Dating Guide

  2. Oh i am rolling around here, this was bloody brilliant, a peerless dating guide, so very, very funny…….too many bits that were genius to focus on but how she must dress killed me, as did try the lines you learned in Playboy…….you are absolutely wonderful, Amuirin, you’ve just made my day…..if you weren’t a girl , I’d ask you out on a date for the big night :)

  3. Okay, now that you made me run to the bathroom between fits of laughter, I can say that I think this is the most hysterically funny thing I have read this year. No, longer than that. Probably in the past two or three years. Absolutely priceless!

  4. *Sigh* If this guide could have existed in my awkward teenage years, things would have been … different.

    Really, really different.

    But the stories about them would be even funnier.

    (OK, they probably wouldn’t have been as different as I’d like to think).

  5. Can i get this in some sort of pocket handbook, Amuirin? There’s so much to absorb. If i have to commit one thing to memory though it will definitely be the cheap feel-up. Thanks for these great tips!

  6. jo- lol, and if I weren’t a girl, I’d accept. I’m glad it gave you a laugh.

    Corina- Wow, ty. I’m glad you enjoyed. I was making them up off the cuff last night. The snarling in response to the radio bit was my favorite, I think.

    cbrons- :)

    imtayopay- It’s not too late to turn around you know… *hint, hint* I have my oversized culottes just waiting to go.

    jules- Hey, I’m just happy to help. (send the amazon here before you try these so she’ll understand what’s goin’ on)

    LazyBuddhist- Anytime. I’m glad it made you laugh.

    Robin- It was fun to write, really. I need a laugh today, too, Si brought her bubonic plague home again. Grawg. I keep forgetting why I send her back to the tower of germs every week.

  7. penis,penis,penis,penis,penis,penis,penis,penis,penis,penis,penis,penis,penis,penis,penis,penis,penis,penis,penis,penis,penis,penis. LOL

    ‘girlfriend with a penis’, indeed… harrumph!

  8. I cruised on into your blog today from a referral and I was not disappointed. Wow. You’ve got the first date thing down so well. If I were taking someone like you out for valentines I’d probably be pretty nervous, but I’m not, so phew. But really I feel like I need to re-read this a bunch of times. Do you mind if I come back and comment on this again?

    -Mike

  9. This would make a great standup routine, if you ever felt like trying it. It would work exactly as written. Take it from one who knows — this is solid gold performance material.

    Incidentally, I completely agree that guys care more about their upholstery than anything else. I’d never have sex in my car for that reason; at least not without using the drop cloth I keep in the trunk for various emergencies. And anyone who yarks anywhere near me or my car had better pull out her pretty little purse and pay me back for every expense I’ve incurred on our so-called date.

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