The stupid shit I say

I don’t think I differ from other people very much in the fact that sometimes I’m just a big idiot. I’m a word person, so my idiocy, when it arises, generally arises in words. Some keen butthead moments:

In response to being broken up with by someone I really liked : “But… I’m cute!”

At a 5th grade cafeteria table, right before the most awkward 5 minutes of my childhood. “Really though, how do elephants mate? It seems like the boy elephant would crush the girl elephant if he climbed on her.”

To someone I was trying to get to know: “That’s so cute… sometimes you just kind of… go retarded, don’t you?”

To my mom in a moment of irritation: “I didn’t LOSE it, I just forgot where I put it.”

To someone I was trying to put at ease with my candidness: “I mean, you do freak me out. Kind of a lot, but..”

To the (unfortunately female) state police officer who pulled me over for speeding in the safety corridor and wasn’t impressed by my water-works. “I thought you’d be impressed by my honesty. I was the only one who didn’t slow down a whole bunch, just cus a cop showed up.”


19 thoughts on “The stupid shit I say

  1. My best breakup line so far is: “Oh yes? Someday you’re going to regret this. It will haunt you for the rest of your life.”

    The really cool thing is that, ridiculous though it sounded at the time, I was right. Thirteen years later, she still regrets it. Beeyotch.

    Uh. What was I saying?

    Right. I think cuteness is a perfectly good defense for anything, up to and including panic in the streets.

  2. If you used the “cute” line on me I would have canceled any plans to break up with you.

    I can’t recall saying anything completely stupid, probably because I block all that from my mind the minute it leaves my mouth: A defense mechanism. I’m certain 40 % of the things that come out of my mouth are uber stupid.

    Sometime honesty isn’t the best policy, especially with the police. I was pulled over and the police officer asked, “Do you know how fast you were going?”

    I replied: “Nope.”

    I costly ticket followed.

  3. At least you didn’t try to get the officer to feel sorry for you by rushing out of your car and proclaiming “Officer, the reason I was speeding was that I have diarrhea and need to get to a service station!” In a different life (not really, but it’s been so long ago it *feels* like a different life) I was a Colorado State Patrolman, and I had at least four or five women try that. On each occasion, I told them to get back into their car and proceed safely into town. Also, on each occasion, I followed them and by the time they came out of the restroom I’d just about finished writing their speeding ticket. As you can imagine the afflicted souls also suffered from some very tight jaws.


  4. 1poet4man- lol, well, if you think that’s best. I’m sure even your ‘lame lines’ are poetic.

    Bob- Ew. Wow. They didn’t just start crying? I find tears to be most effective with *male* police officers. But you’re probly tough and wouldn’t be swayed. Diarrhea… just, ew. It would never occur to me to try to gross out the policeman.

    TIV- you’d be a tough one, too. I’m glad you’re not an Oregon patrol officer.

    Stevo- lol… See, and all through childhood they say ‘honesty is the best policy’. That’s like the first lie they teach us.

    David- Ah, those fond memories…

    That cute comment was… it came out kinda cute, but it was like a deep inability to express anything that could turn the situation around. It was the only thing that came to me to say, cus I was grasping the situation even as he was heading into the farewells. I wanted to argue with his verdict, but had Nothin.

  5. …dang…but that has changed now hasn’t it – cuz now you are beautiful enough to turn heads and if your thoughts really are as cogent as they appear on your blog then you now have way more than “Nothin” to say….Peace…

  6. I’m sure I’ve said stupider things. I’ve had more time in life to do so than you. ;)

    It’s my comments on blogs that tend to bother me most, though. I’ve left some really dumb comments at times, and they’re out there for all and sundry to see. Ugh.

  7. God Amuirin you make me laugh.

    Ok, mine… this is SO bad. My girlfriend and i were breaking up… this was back in college. It was coming down to the final last throws of the breakup, oh, about an hour of hashing it out… and I say, “you know what… you’re gonna regret this for the rest of your LIFE! One day you’re gonna WISH for mediocrity and I’ll be the mediocre guy who isn’t there.”


    Sounds like really bad sitcom writing now.

  8. ROTFL…I love this soo much, you have no idea how nice it is to find I am not alone in these things. I tend to type words and sometimes the word I type is not only wrong but reveals my inner thoughts and embarrasses the crap out of me.

  9. I’m a catalog of these moments. Here’s just one out of an infinitesimal amount.

    In college I went out a few times with a girl who was having plastic surgery on her nose. OK, it was a nose job. After she had gotten it, she stayed locked away, didn’t see anyone and called and whined about how awful it looked. After it healed and she was ready to go back out, she asked me to meet her where she worked. And, I realize, she was probably very self-conscious about it.

    She walked up to me, smiled, and said, “Well… What do you think?”

    I looked closely and said, “It’s not nearly as bad as I thought.”

    Now, if only there could have been someone standing there who’d tell me I was being retarded…

  10. Laughing at your post and the comments here. Both times I was pregnant and for at least a year afterwards I was a moron, sadly this was also coupled with short term memory issues, so I can’t quote myself.

  11. poetman- that was awfully nice to hear

    Robin- your comments never seem dumb to me.!

    jules- that is funny, but I find nothing mediocre about you

    nectarfizz- I think everyone does it sometimes, but sometimes when you think yer bein the most bizarre, other people find it endearing. that’s my experience, anyway.

    Imtay- lol, well.. hm. I wish I’d been there, but I probably would have been speechless.

    mad- but with better hair!

    jo- then it’s true! I’m pretty sure I went retarded when I was pregnant, but no one would confirm that was a symptom of pregnancy. Kinda nifty that you don’t hafta remember it, though. :)

    lillipilli- Right back atcha.

    gingaTao- you? nooo… I guess eloquence in text doesn’t rule out the occasional verbal fumble then.

  12. I’m cute, huh? What’s wrong with that? When you are short like me, sometimes that’s the only weapon you have.

    All I can say is that anyone breaking up with you is going to miss the ride of their life.

  13. The most ridiculous thing I ever said when being broken up with? No.

    Seriously, the poor guy gave me some long speech about how we shouldn’t see each other any more, and how it was better this way, blah, blah, blah, and I just calmly said, “No”.

    I guess I thought I had some kind of choice in the matter?

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