I don’t really care who won the Iowa caucus…
is that progress or regression?
Tonight fell down dark. There was a reasonable, physical explanation. But it’s still scary. You’re happily going along in your bubble, engaged, interested, lie down, sleep half an hour maybe and suddenly wake to -that- thing.
The void. Aloneness. Fear racking the empty chambers of your heart while you try to remember why? why? Why am I?
Someone told me once that in the bible, the definition of despair is ‘without God’, and it is the darkest sin you can commit, to fall in despair, basically because there’s no redemption from it. Without faith, hope or love then God cannot reach you, and you have created a black hell-pit of eternal awareness and torment for yourself.
yeah, I love me some light dinner conversation
It’s not a happy thought, but it jives more with what I was brought up to believe God is. A compassionate and loving God probably doesn’t go around tossing people into brimfire so their souls can contort in agony for all time; but human beings? Creating their own personal hells?
Hell yeah, that’s buyable.
I sometimes see movie scenes in my head, like daydreams, but they’re sometimes not very day-dreamish. To sit and visualize scenarios that aren’t particularly enjoyable probably betrays a freakish level of boredom, but I kinda think of them as plot ideas or something.
I had this idea while driving one day, of what purgatory might be:
A man gets assigned to drive all the cars on earth until he destroys each and every one past the point of usability. He had all eternity to complete the task (which, when you figure all the millions and millions of cars on every corner of the planet he’d probably need a good chunk)
but here’s the kicker: He would be alone on earth until the task was completed. No human companionship of anykind, no other single soul to break the monotony, nobody to talk to.
Not surprisingly, my ideas of hell are pretty similar. To be cursed with an awareness that will never extinguish and to be separated from everything that makes awareness bearable. Love. Companionship. Humor. Laughter. Joy. Warmth.
Usually, I look at the sky and I see the stars scattered everywhere, and it reassures me. But sometimes when I wake like this, I see the void, the huge black distance between each singular, burning star, and it makes me feel small. I wish life wasn’t so much about losing people as you go.
There are nights I miss everyone.