Not exactly happy writing

I don’t really care who won the Iowa caucus…

is that progress or regression?

Tonight fell down dark. There was a reasonable, physical explanation. But it’s still scary. You’re happily going along in your bubble, engaged, interested, lie down, sleep half an hour maybe and suddenly wake to -that- thing.

The void. Aloneness. Fear racking the empty chambers of your heart while you try to remember why? why? Why am I?

Someone told me once that in the bible, the definition of despair is ‘without God’, and it is the darkest sin you can commit, to fall in despair, basically because there’s no redemption from it. Without faith, hope or love then God cannot reach you, and you have created a black hell-pit of eternal awareness and torment for yourself.

yeah, I love me some light dinner conversation

It’s not a happy thought, but it jives more with what I was brought up to believe God is. A compassionate and loving God probably doesn’t go around tossing people into brimfire so their souls can contort in agony for all time; but human beings? Creating their own personal hells?

Hell yeah, that’s buyable.

I sometimes see movie scenes in my head, like daydreams, but they’re sometimes not very day-dreamish. To sit and visualize scenarios that aren’t particularly enjoyable probably betrays a freakish level of boredom, but I kinda think of them as plot ideas or something.

I had this idea while driving one day, of what purgatory might be:

A man gets assigned to drive all the cars on earth until he destroys each and every one past the point of usability. He had all eternity to complete the task (which, when you figure all the millions and millions of cars on every corner of the planet he’d probably need a good chunk)

but here’s the kicker: He would be alone on earth until the task was completed. No human companionship of anykind, no other single soul to break the monotony, nobody to talk to.


Not surprisingly, my ideas of hell are pretty similar. To be cursed with an awareness that will never extinguish and to be separated from everything that makes awareness bearable. Love. Companionship. Humor. Laughter. Joy. Warmth.

Usually, I look at the sky and I see the stars scattered everywhere, and it reassures me. But sometimes when I wake like this, I see the void, the huge black distance between each singular, burning star, and it makes me feel small. I wish life wasn’t so much about losing people as you go.

There are nights I miss everyone.


10 thoughts on “Not exactly happy writing

  1. You can’t miss everyone. Some of us are still here. You have explored two sides of a coin in your last two pieces and the truth is the moment the coin is poised at the top of its flight, before it is decided which way it will land. You can’t miss everyone, there is always some light.

  2. I know what you’re talking about, though fortunately it happens only rarely to me, but when it hits, bam, you just can’t……for me it’s always reading that reconnects me, something about the rhythm of beautifully strung words is elemental and rebuilding (sorry, that sounds a bit wanky, it’s not meant to).

  3. Bob- well, from a purely consequential stand-point…

    I think you win.


    really? You miss them when you’re with them again? I guess I can see that in romance. I feel that way when walking. Not tired till I sit down.

    jo- exactly- that’s what I ended up doing! I ate an orange and read a book and felt more in the world again. (It doesn’t sound wanky, that was beautifully put.)

    gingatao- The edge of a coin, though. Isn’t that the most precarious place? *hug*

  4. I do. Its not so much true if I’m crazy in love with somebody…then yes I can miss them but with friends its more life is good but when they show up, I think “this was missing but I didn’t realize it”.

  5. I’ve had those moments of morbid fantasizing…that just means you are a writer.

    I once heard someone say that the reason writers so frequently become alcoholics (or at least, that’s the stereotype) is because writers exist in their own heads so much while working that they need to get away from their head to relax.

    But I digress.

  6. I’d like to volunteer for the job of the guy who drives every car in existence until they die. I love to drive by myself, and if I were the last person on Earth, I could drive as fast as I wanted to. I’d need to learn to drive a stick shift first though, I guess. Oh, and would I have to pay for gas? Because that would pretty much suck. That really would be Purgatory, if I had to pay for the gas.

  7. I love your writing. There’s a lot of grace in your writing which is especially intriguing. I can identify with you on that dark, obscure feeling.

  8. Now, this started off at Iowa and ended up with missing the boat…

    That description could be used for about every news ‘report’ on the ‘key’ state votes.

    On a more sober note, I would like to think of the stages of life as a bit less than awareness – if we were really as aware as we think we are (there wouldn’t be religion or doubt is maybe a better way to put it) and things might actually be scary.

    Hopefully there is something better round the corner.

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