I was close. Close to sleeping.
I don’t know what it is that does it, that wakes me in a panic, suddenly, as if I were falling asleep behind the wheel. But inevitably this kind of waking, especially when it pre-empts real sleep, shears away all the balance and I lie in a dark room with the weight of everything that’s wrong right now closing in like the trash compactor scene in Star Wars.
The mind can go in obsessive tracks, digging deep ruts so it gets harder to vault out of them. You can’t go there. And even if it’s comforting to think of your ex lost and lonely in a strange land the way you feel, it’s best not to go there either.
I let the dark happen, but try- try to think of something lovely first. The pinpricks of stars in a dazzling sky, visible glimpse of a vast universe. The mute beauty of a colored land. Words that comfort me. People I love.
But the clouds block out the stars for now. And it still hurts.