Self-flushing spider

I woke up this morning, headed into the bathroom for my routine relief-giving ritual, and caught, peripherally, a glance of something in the toilet. I paused in my pajama shucking and turned around to regard the-thing-in-there.

It was a spider. Brown, medium-sized, and floating upside down, right in the center of the bowl.

I am no coroner, but to my eyes this arachnid was very, very dead.


I am not fond of spiders. In an abstract way, I understand that they play an invaluable role in the food chain, and without them, other insect populations would overrun the earth. All this makes perfect sense in my brain; but when I see a spider, when I catch sight of that bulbous body, the way it skitters, all those legs wiggling on the wall, I want to:

a. scream repeatedly

b. rapidly bludgeon it with a heavy object, and then-

c. freak the fuck out from my traumatic encounter.

This being said, I had to regard the water-logged specimen in the toilet with a degree of reverence.

How very thoughtful of this spider to save me the stress involved in trying to bludgeon it while it skittered this way and that.

How very enlightened of this spider to recognize that he/she had committed a heinous act by violating the sanctity of my bathroom.

How very accommodating of this spider to then off itself neatly and efficiently, saving me the trouble of scrubbing its remains from the bathroom walls.

Here was a truly honorable arachnid; an example for its species. I salute its selfless contribution, even as I make that fateful flush.

R. I. P


9 thoughts on “Self-flushing spider

  1. They don’t commit hara-kiri … that’s a very specific form of ritual suicidal disembowelment.

    They do, however, sometimes drown themselves to escape from the knowledge that everyone hates them. Poor things.

  2. What a thoughtful spider. I wish the spiders in my bedroom were that thoughtful. Maybe they could crawl into the furnace and incinerate themselves instead of dangling above my head on the pillow, waiting for me to open my eyes and see them and squish the gushy stuff out of them!

  3. I probably would have tried to save it, just in case it had not finished shuffling of this mortal coil. As freaked out as I get around bugs, I always try to make sure I halp them if I can, and I rarely kill them (though there was that ant nest that I had to spray…I still have nightmares!).

  4. I have a friend who has this to say about spiders. There are two kinds of spiders. Brown spiders which are obviously brown recluse spiders and should die. And all the others which certainly must be black widows and should die.
    His daughter told me this philosophy he has about spiders after we saw this weird (really big) black one with yellow striped markings on it. I said “but it has yellow in it. Aren’t black widows entirely….” She interrupted, “maybe you didn’t hear me. Then all others MUST be black widows and should die.” To which she through a big rock on it.

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