Didja ever find yourself in a situation where someone went horrifically rude on you, right out of the blue, and it wasn’t till 2 a.m. the next morning that you finally figured out what you should have said?
I’m kind of proud of this inability. While I may be detached/disconnected from time to time, let it be known that I occupy my head with non sequitur musings (“Who was Copernicus, anyway? What a terrific name for a sea monster… Kidney beans make my tongue feel weird.”) as opposed to bulking up the armory with ready-made flames and negativity. It would be nice in certain instances to be better armed against a verbal attacker, but it’s not really my nature.
Meh… whaddaya gonna do? I’ve become a lot more adept at written repartee. Ideally, in real life, I could request a 3 minute recess to compose a sufficiently derogatory come-back when the situation warranted.
Perhaps this is why I’ve always secretly admired engineers of the supple verbal diss. Anyone can say, ‘Fuck you, asshole!’ But a really creative slam makes my eyes widen, my toes curl, my heart pound. Only once have I had the distinctive pleasure of being insulted by somebody so adept and imaginative at disparagement that I asked them to do it again.
Oddly enough, this move scored me points in the verbal fisticuffs. (Tip of the day: if you lack the finesse to eviscerate a crude crusader, sometimes bafflement is the best route to take…) but I still ended the round feeling like a kindergartner who had wrestled a college jock for their lunch money.
Do you know any creative, weird or humorous insults? Maybe you’re more my brand of word-bomber and you have some ‘wtf’ ones. “Eat my trail-mix, Scooter!” “Aww, stuff-it-up your dromedary’s sink-hole!”
Feel free to leave your expressive expostulations down below. I’m sure I’ll use them eventually… I’ve got a dentist appointment coming up.