Eat Soap, Weeble Snout

Didja ever find yourself in a situation where someone went horrifically rude on you, right out of the blue, and it wasn’t till 2 a.m. the next morning that you finally figured out what you should have said?

I’m kind of proud of this inability. While I may be detached/disconnected from time to time, let it be known that I occupy my head with non sequitur musings (“Who was Copernicus, anyway? What a terrific name for a sea monster… Kidney beans make my tongue feel weird.”) as opposed to bulking up the armory with ready-made flames and negativity. It would be nice in certain instances to be better armed against a verbal attacker, but it’s not really my nature.

Meh… whaddaya gonna do? I’ve become a lot more adept at written repartee. Ideally, in real life, I could request a 3 minute recess to compose a sufficiently derogatory come-back when the situation warranted.

Perhaps this is why I’ve always secretly admired engineers of the supple verbal diss. Anyone can say, ‘Fuck you, asshole!’ But a really creative slam makes my eyes widen, my toes curl, my heart pound. Only once have I had the distinctive pleasure of being insulted by somebody so adept and imaginative at disparagement that I asked them to do it again.

Oddly enough, this move scored me points in the verbal fisticuffs. (Tip of the day: if you lack the finesse to eviscerate a crude crusader, sometimes bafflement is the best route to take…) but I still ended the round feeling like a kindergartner who had wrestled a college jock for their lunch money.

Do you know any creative, weird or humorous insults? Maybe you’re more my brand of word-bomber and you have some ‘wtf’ ones. “Eat my trail-mix, Scooter!” “Aww, stuff-it-up your dromedary’s sink-hole!”

Feel free to leave your expressive expostulations down below. I’m sure I’ll use them eventually… I’ve got a dentist appointment coming up.



19 thoughts on “Eat Soap, Weeble Snout

  1. What you are describing is L’esprit de l’escalier. “The wit of the staircase,” meaning, the retort you think of as you are on your way out, down the stairs to the street.

    I always liked the insult “dick nose” because of the hilarious mental imagery. Another of my personal favorites is “eat a bag of dicks.” I am always saying weird things in response to other statements, but I can’t actually think of any right now, under pressure. I’m sure that as soon as I hit “submit comment” I’ll think of an awesome one.


    L’esprit de soumettre le commentaire.

  2. After reading Slothboy’s comment, I think I want to learn French. “The wit of the staircase” cracks me up for some reason. Probably because it’s so appropriate (and so like me).

    I’m afraid I’m the Queen of No Comebacks. I never seem to have one. I’m always too gobsmacked. (I not only want to learn French for their wonderful sayings, but I borrow from the British too.)

    Now that I’ve mentioned British-isms, “wanker” is a favorite of mine in the name-calling category.

    In general, though, I pretty much follow this advice:

    The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it; if you can’t ignore it, top it; if you can’t top it, laugh at it; if you can’t laugh at it, it’s probably deserved. ~J. Russel Lynes

  3. If Robin is the Queen of No Comebacks then I’m her Court Jester. I suck at good comebacks probably like Amuirin, because I appreciate a really good one and usually think to myself, “[in my best Eddie Murphy voice] ‘damn that was good. ok, you got me. my mouf was even open on that one.”

    Slothboy… the dicknose one still has me laughing. *laugh*… “eat a bag of dicks” *ha ha ha ha*

    I’ve always liked these two. My friends dad says these sometimes. And they sound cool cuz he’s this old, cowboy, who, although he has never been formally educated beyond the 9th grade, he just oozes common sense so it makes it worse when he says it. “He’s dumber than a bucket of hair.” or “She’s dumber than a bag of hammers.”

  4. Being a jerk is hard work, and best left to the professionals. Once you become an ass in this manner, you can only follow the road to jack-, -hat, or -hole (But not -face. That’s different) However, playful insults aren’t too bad to pepper a friendly verbal sparring match with. The problem lies where the insults take a turn for the personal, and all the fun and games stop. I’d stick with the absurd ones, actually. Think of them as mad libs.

    On occasion, I’ve been known to reply with “You go down on your mother with that mouth?”, but this simply opens the door to momma-bashing, which is best left alone (plus, the last time I said this, the target’s mother had passed not a month ago, so it was really bad timing).

    Or, you can try this. And be sure to raise your voice: “Spoiler Alert! You’re a (jerk, dick, wanker ((nice one, Robin! Brit-wit is always nice to bust out)), shitbitch, chumpstain, etc. Or a combination)!” Wait for the target to respond, then interrupt immediately with “END SPOILER!” Can be followed as well with “More at 11!.” Generally, the target will begin laughing and using their own “spoiler alerts”, which means you’ve won.

    -Molo, Professional Jerkwad

  5. First, please allow me to say that this is a brilliant topic for discussion.

    And now to the subject matter at hand. I’ve always been partial to “take a flying fuck at a donut” perhaps because it was one of my sweetie’s favourite rebuttals to advances that other boys made to her. In a related setting, one day when my sweetie and one of her friends were in a situation where 1) my sweetie wasn’t feeling patient and 2) men were approaching her with no indication that she wanted their attention, she told a pair of them to “fuck off”. Of course, that didn’t work but it not working lead to the friend being able to deliver a cute retort “What’s the matter? Wasn’t ‘fuck off’ direct enough for you?”

    That said, I (and perhaps it is entirely an egotistical thought on my part — I think you may well be familiar enough with the way I say things to see clearly why it may just be ego) think that there is considerable elegance in saying something so confusing that the opposition is disarmed. And, so, I think your request for another is a glorious thing to have requested. Then again, it could be for another reason. In another world, I once claimed that the two sexiest things a person could say are: “Yes” and “You wanna do it again?”

    But, wait a moment. That’s almost too weird. Hmm. Just almost. I think it’s still OK.

  6. I personally like, Oh yeeaaah? Put ’em up, put ’em up! (Those are said in the voice of Lion on Wizard of Oz.)

    I like tocat&eactue el pollo (I tried to put an accent on the e in tocate; not sure it’s going to show up). That means, Go jerk off. Or vete la mierda, which literally is Go to shit, but it’s like Go to hell.

    If I feel really insulted but can’t revert to telling them off with my own insults, I go for the direct route. Just tell them that they’re arrogant or inappropriate or what have you. The truth, when told with no underlying agenda, can stop someone in his or her tracks.

  7. No character codes in comments? How annoying! I’m surprised it doesn’t work. Other things here work so well. Oh well.

    But, back to the argument: why is telling someone to go jerk off an insult? It seems a bit like saying “why don’t you go eat a chocolate ice cream cone with sprinkles on top (and no, I don’t mean turd sprinkles, I mean crunchy sugary mint ones)?”

    And going shit is sure better than never shitting. I think telling someone “I hope you never shit through your asshole again and slowly bloat until you die because your intestines have exploded and your corpse ends up being such a huge disgusting pile of dung that the people you thought cared about you can’t get close enough to burn it and instead flee to another state” would be much ruder.

    Once again, I think I’m sounding borderline psychotic. So, I’ll add a cheery thing that isn’t really relevant. Yesterday, I was feeling really crappy and exhausted. I went to bed and my sweetie came to tuck me in and gave me a splendid relaxing back rub. I fell asleep feeling the joys of affection and a relaxed body and have felt better for it all day today. Excellent sweeties are indeed a wonderful thing. And, best of all, any time I am actually in need of such a thing, she’s there for me. And the reverse it true too. Wasn’t that mushy? :)

    Eww. The smiley was too much. Sorry.

  8. Is there a difference between using the imperative command with a pejorative title (kiss uranium, Whack-a-mole) and just a long imperative command (Go into the desert and kiss uranium)? Because I’m thinking we’re getting more into the realm of placing a curse on the target, rather than a straight insult. Which can be just as rewarding.

    Also: if you think of the target as a person, you shouldn’t be insulting them.

    Confusion to you, Robespierre!

    Kiss a Wookie, nerf-herder!

    Go to hell, kilonazi!

    Eat me, Slobodan!

    Take a shit and die, Kawachi-baba! (an actual Japanese phrase, BTW; kuso shi-te shi-ne)

  9. My favourite tactic (and really, it’s one I only remember if I’m feeling collected enough), is to pause, look the offending wanker up and down, burst out laughing and then walk away, still laughing.

  10. My usual technique when someone insults me is to continue smiling for a minute, as I process the shock, then start crying. It’s not particularly effective, and it makes me feel awful too… but it seems to be all I can manage.

    Some of us are too wussy for the real world. :)

  11. … it wasn’t till 2 a.m. the next morning that you finally figured out what you should have said?

    there’s a word for this. Saul Bellow wrote of it in Herzog, I think. He called it trepverter, for the words you think of after you’ve left, walking down the steps.

  12. I usally just start threatening people. I once asked a person if he really wanted me to shove a piece of baquette down his troat… That does wonders.. They always run away from me!
    I like douchebag too! It has a lot of meaning, you know :p.

  13. My experience has been that in these situations it is always best to attack the person’s character or even better, their appearance, it cuts the deepest. Perhaps, “I’ve had worse things said to me by better people than you” or “If you’re going to talk down to me you need to get yourself into a better pair of shoes” might be appropriate responses. I’ve found that simple ones like “You’re fat” or “Go on a diet” can drastically impact a situation as well. But you know, “douchbag” is a good one too.

  14. Molo-

    I once used on similar to your mother crack. In high school, a bully-type was cussing me out, and I said, “Do you kiss your mom with that tounge?” He had no comeback.

    My favorite insults are:

    1) Butthole. This is great becaause it really means “You are not worth comming up with a good insult.”

    2) Gaywad. Despite the anti-homosexual hate speech, which turns me away from this one, “gaywad” is great because it is so ’80s , and it just sounds silly.

    I have a friend who insists that the best way to win an argument is to start referring to the person you are arguing with by someone else’s name, prefferably someone of the opposite gender.

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