Alien touchdown at the human buffet

Why doesn’t anything eat us? Logically, something should be feasting on the human race.

I’ve been giving this some thought (creepy, huh?): Human beings constitute an unweildy population of soft-bodied, hairless delicacies that are basically, easy targets.

Honest to gosh, take away our guns and climate controlled boxes and you have a species akin to large, hairless bunnies. Our teeth aren’t sharp; we can’t see, hear or smell worth a damn; we run really slow; we can’t fly and we can barely swim. We have no defensive armor plating, no spikes, no bristles, no camouflage; and we aren’t poisonous.

Then there’s that little matter of there being over six and a half billion of us.

Nowhere in nature does such a rich resource flourish without an accompanying predator (or twelve) to balance out the equation.

Maybe that’s why the recent ‘War of the Worlds’ movie freaked me out so bad. It makes so much sense! The likelihood of some uber-evolved creatures touching down here in order to have reasoned exchange in the spirit of brotherhood is totally unlikely. (For one, the spirit of brotherhood is a human construct. If aliens have kind and generous impulses, they probably wouldn’t be recognizable to us as such.)

Naw, if something comes to visit they’ll probably view Earth as a mighty drive-thru. They’ll come back with their friends and order earthlings to go. If something touches down here, we’re gonna have us a predator.

The only question is, why hasn’t it happened already? That gets me into some less grisly thoughts about the universe. We know so little about the cosmos and our place in it. If there is life on other planets, maybe we’re off the map… in the boonies… down in hickville. Maybe our solar system looks like a really weird place to be harboring life. Maybe carbon based-life forms are so last millenia.

Scientists who study extinction tend to speculate that a form of microbe will wipe out the human race. The idea that our species will die out pretty rapidly is kind of a foregone conclusion, but I guess there’s an alternate possibility. We might not be wiped out; we might be forced to link back into the food chain by being displaced at the top of the predator hierarchy. We might be forced to sustain and adapt, after the first major unexpected slaughter, because we would suddenly have a purpose in nature: as a source of nutrition.

Additional Resources:

wacky hairball

Russian fishermen catch squeaking alien and eat it

“Not in a box, not with a fox; not in a train, not in the rai- What!?… In a duck?? oh… wtf.”


32 thoughts on “Alien touchdown at the human buffet

  1. That’s not predation, man; those are thrill kills.


    Wait, take away our guns and climate control boxes? Hold up there. Humanity has 2 natural defenses. Our intellect, and our willingness to use that intellect to subdue, conquer, rule and maintain our hold in life. Guns and housing are really just the physical manifestations of that. The ability to create exists in us just as animals have instinct. And just like animals using that instinct, we have always used our creative genius and desires for conquest to survive. It’s really just human nature.

    I don’t think being prey is a likely alternative to non-existence. And I don’t think anyone would willingly choose that option. It’s also basic human nature to believe that dying on one’s feet as opposed to living on one’s knees is preferable. If I believed in the existence of alien life, I’d have to feel sorry for any aliens that wanted to snack here. Our nationalistic tendencies are dangerous enough, let alone the feelings of “us versus them” that would be stirred up due to an invasion of Martian Rachel Rays.

  2. You put a lot of faith in our technology. But guns are pretty crude and anything that can get here probably has some pretty evolved creative genius of their own.

    Also, human beings are so convinced of their dominance of this little sphere, they’re walking around in the open all over the planet. Most of us aren’t packing heat, and a number of us aren’t that creative (much less intelligent) to begin with. Sad but true.

  3. Simply being able to get here is such a great accomplishment that they could almost certainly wipe out all macro-fauna from space. Killing all the bacteria is a different matter. I doubt they could do that. And, that’s why I keep my back-up soul in a bacteria.

  4. Anything more technologically advanced than us would either A. be completely uninterested in us, even as food (too many bones, gestation times, the smell, not a lot of good meat….we’re the catfish of the galaxy) or B. have already destroyed themselves in a thermonuclear fireball of advancement. If they really needed us as a food source (since, let’s face it, it’s a lot of work going to another whole planet to get a bite to eat), they probably have some serious issues happening at the home front. Which would probably prevent them from haphazardly trying to overrun us. Isn’t it a bit conceited to believe that another race of creature has put aside petty squabbles amongst themselves, unified together, and are hell bent on eating mankind? I can’t think of any natural examples of any species that bands together like that on a consistent basis. I don’t think virus A and virus B like each other enough.

    Besides, it’s not the individual here, it’s the collective. Individual animals aren’t dangerous; it’s the pack you have to look out for.

    However, if aliens want a snack, they’d take one look at the information we’re beaming about, see any number of stick-models, and be done with us. Vanity and Hubris! You’ve saved us again! Thank you, fashion models!

  5. I don’t know Molo, when it comes to food,sometimes there’s no accounting for taste.

    Exhibit a.) Insects of any kind.

    Exhibit b.) Sheeps brains.

    Exhibit c.) Denny’s Grand Slam breakfasts.

    And as far as the collective being greater than the individuals, they already have a name for that, it’s called SuperSize Me…


  6. if anything bothered to come all this way for a meal, desiring mobile, carbon-based food, they’d do well to develop an interest in termites or ants as, pound for pound, there is much, more more of both than there is in available human flesh.

    Of course, if they’re vegetarian, the kelp forests, grasses, and trees, to say nothing of all our orchards, plus corn and wheat crops, are in for a serious trimming.

    But all this presumes an intergalactic food shortage. In the meantime, A, have you had fantasies of being pursued lately?

  7. Pingback: A Little More on Inter-Species Warfare « Unrealistic Expectations

  8. opposable thumbs and the ability to make tools and communicate thoughts and ideas. that about sums up why our ancestors weren’t eaten off of the planet. basically.

  9. oh yeah, the alien thing. there’s a chance of life existing on other worlds. and there’s also a chance that alien life has evolved past the microbial stage. and there’s a chance that aliens have figured out a way to live long enough to make the trip to earth or, better yet, figured out a way to shorten the trip. but there’s a better chance that I’ll hit powerball tomorrow night.

  10. absolutely. the circumstances in which life is allowed to “happen” are pretty special. a little hydrogen. a dash of oxygen. some helium is nice. don’t forget the heavy elements like iron, cobalt, zinc, copper,

  11. celery has manganese.

    If you eat a half ton of celery, the manganese will kill you.

    But probably something else in the celery would kill you before you eat that much of it.

  12. Half ton of celery though? What are the odds?

    I do remember from somewhere that a certain amount of chocolate can actually kill a person, but it is so obscenely high, the amount you would have to eat in a day in order to die, that it is of no worry to anyone.

  13. Oh! I would take on the challenge of the previous commenter! I will happily try to see how much chocolate I can eat in a day. Starting……. now.

  14. “Maybe carbon based-life forms are so last millenia.” You make me smile so much. Lots of things eat us, tiggers, viruses, tapeworms, crocodiles, it’s just that we breed faster than they can eat us. Oh and we can communicate better than they can so we can gang up on them. Aliens, heh, I hope they bring some cool music with them.

  15. my name is Steve I’m 12 and this is my story. One day I was walking down a street at night and an alien poped out grabbed me took all my clothes off so I was butt naked tie me ropes so I couldent move and brought me back to his family. They lay me in a cooking tin and started to but ingrediants on me. Then they seononed me with salt and pepper. Then they put me in this room showed me how I was going to be eaten. They took another toddler and they put the naked human in there mouth and suck on them then they swallow the alive naked boy. Then they left. I found this computer and now telling u that aliens eat humans. But they said kids 8-12 are the best cause they taste good. So aliens eat children. They said they were going to eat me tonight so right now i’m 12 and i’m naked and some alien wants to take my life away cause it’s hungry so children watch out and don’t become an aliens dinner like me

  16. Wow, Steve.

    That’s amazing…

    …. I mean that aliens use Comcast as their internet provider, too. I had no idea that Comcast had such an impressive range.

    You know, if you’re this bored, you should really take up blogging.

  17. The fact that i conjured this scenario, Googled and found this article (to my horror) is enough for me to say that it is a viable possibility and you put it so well. But is it so horrible? Look what humans do for food. …….i mean, that’s life, nature…..

  18. You need to consider the possibility that there are other forms of “eating” besides physical consumption of meat. Many current alien theories state that we were genetically engineered and that our biological energies are being harvested. These events transpire on an energy level that we cannot perceive with our five senses just like we can’t see radio waves or infrared radiation.

  19. would aliens even be able to assimilate human protein? The 22 amino acids that make up our proteins are by no means the only ones possible. They are just the ones that are commonly found in lifeforms on Earth.

    By the way, the chances are pretty good that there is intelligent life elsewhere. Sorry about you not winning the powerball.

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