The Cornfield Quandary

The dog’s shadowing me today. Do you want something, buddy? What do you want? This is the second day in a row. A two hour romp did nothing to cool his canine stalking tendencies. If he weren’t small, cute and beloved, this watchful stint would creep me out a lot. As it is, I feel like I’ve got the physical embodiment of my conscience trailing me, reminding me of all sorts of things I wouldn’t think of if the little dude could just speak.

Where am I right now? “Please god, don’t let my identity crisis go into full gear again.” I’m 30 years old, and the uncertainty is ridiculous.

As is my dog.

I think I’ll spare a dissertation on hormonal fluctuations. This might be womanliness at it’s peak most irritating, but the words are freaking me out. I’m feeling transition all around, but still experiencing stasis. What is going on? I’m pretty sure I’m not holding still. But talk of ‘moving on’ seems to be the topic, lately, and I desperately wish to change the subject. Am I jealous? Am I jealous of the people that find bizarre life changes cropping up like manna from heaven? My brother is building bridges in Ecuador. My mother won lots and lots of money the other day. Friends are quitting their jobs, moving to Vegas, finding new and improbable love.

Maybe I am jealous. Do you remember that Costner movie, ‘Field of Dreams’ when the ball players invite James Earl Joneses character to come see heaven in the cornfield, and Costner gets all discomfited about it. “I wanna go! Why can’t I go!.. I’m the one who built this freakin’ place!”

“But you aren’t invited, Ray.”

I feel you, Ray. They were technically your vegetables, like c’mon. That same creepy voice is saying it isn’t my time now. Have the grace and understanding not to self-detonate; don’t give up the ground you’ve been breaking, or push those delicate relationships you’ve nurtured too far simply because you want more.

I want more.

I donno what it is, exactly, but I want more.

God, doggy-butt what the fuck are you looking at? I wish you could tell me what the deal is. You just lay there next to my feet and look at me with that ancient wisdom sometimes embodied by pets and very young children. That ageless, all knowing, waiting look. What the fuck is it? Is there something I’m supposed to be doing here?

…or do we just wait, you and I? Wait here in this small-town life, living gently and quietly, making our extremely predictable rounds through a loop of interminable days…

It doesn’t hurt to have a companion, I guess.

But if you pee in my closet again, I swear to God I’ll trade you in for a fucking monkey.

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6 thoughts on “The Cornfield Quandary

  1. Monkeys throw poop. Just think that over before you make any drastic exotic animal purchases.

    I am at the point right now where sudden change would probably not make me happy. I am comfortable where I am and genuinely happy in most respects. I sure could use more money (can’t we all) and I would rather be buying a new house than repainting my old one, but all in all ‘moving on’ would not be interesting to me in the slightest. Where would I be moving to? Why? Moving on implies leaving something behind… what is that? why would I want to do that? My hair is moving on and I wish it would stop.

    Maybe it takes a “glass is half full” perspective but there’s nothing wrong with a little dose of Pollyanna in your diet from time to time. And hey, if you take stock and focus on all the reasons why you don’t want your life to change, it probably will just because it wants to piss you off. So you win either way.

    Maybe once you get past your turbulent 30’s and move into your wise 31’s like me you’ll feel better about where you are at.

  2. Sometimes the waiting can be the best part. It allows you the time and luxury of just being in the moment.

    But being a woman whose life lesson seems to be patience, that’s easier for me to say than to do so I’ll end with:

    I hear ya, sister.

  3. I was going to say something about monkeys and biting noses, but I like Slothboy’s comment about them throwing poop better.

    I’ve been through turbulent change in the past year… there are some great things about that level of activity and motion, but it’s also extremely stressful and wearing. I think Robin’s statement about “being in the moment” is so important. I’ve tried to do that through all of this change, and now I look forward to doing it as and if things calm down. Your turn will come.

  4. I’m having a similar moment of disconcerting stasis too at the moment, or maybe I’ve had it for a while and only recently recognised it for what it is. I think of it as something I will call ‘whacky adventure syndrome’ a term I coined just this very moment to refer to that which is interesting, different or rapidly developing for other people and not for yourself. I can’t say I deal with it extremely well, but neither does it shut me down either. Life goes on with the lives of others weighing heavily on your mind.

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