Irritable Vowel Syndrome

Wierd is really spelled weirdly.

Where does the ‘a’ go in Lindsay? I’ve always wondered. Everytime I meet someone named ‘Lindsay’, I go all Langston Hughes in my head.

What happens to an ‘a’ deferred?

Does it hush itself
like a dirty word?
Or fester like a pickled beet–
or something else you’re forced to eat?
Does it actually disappear?
or haunt little words like ‘vain’ and ‘tears’?

Maybe it just lays low
inside of toads & heavy loads;

until its silent heart explodes.


Word masturbation. I have one more…one more bastardized word play and then you can go shower.

This poem is definitely not suitable for young audiences, or anyone easily offended.

Sonnet 4,000,002

Shall I compare thee to a muppet lay?
Thou art less floppy and more spirited
When Gonzo and Bunsen team for anal play
Their felted pickles are too poorly hid
Sometimes too hot the fount of Fozzie drips
into the waiting maw of Swedish Chef
Much more discriminating art thy lips
When delving toward their privileged fraggle’s cleft
Your eternal ardour shall not fade
Nor lose possession of this girlish breast
When Rowlff and Scooter can’t even get laid
You’ll be the one I still long to molest
So long as Beeker squeaks or Piggy seethes
I’ll still lovingly hold your flesh-flute while you pee.

(^this aberration was provoked by those blog buddies, you know who you are, who will not tell me why the muppets are so damn evil)

10 thoughts on “Irritable Vowel Syndrome

  1. Loved the muppet sonnet. I am a little surprised at the amount of Gay sex they seem to engage in… but I guess they are a little short on girls and Mrs. Piggy can probably only handle so much.

  2. The Langston Hughes reference is definitely inspired!!! And the poem! Brilliant. See now I won’t have to go and look for a poem today. You’ve so graciously provided me with one! Oh and ditto with aos! ;)

  3. I was going to write something about i before e except after w … (weird is a weird word) and ask you:
    what? what about Langston Hughes? but after that poem now … um … what was I saying?

    Does anyone else here remember Amuirin when she used to post pictures of her brassiere? Fully loaded? Armed and speculating on male neurology?

  4. Everyone: waka waka waka!

    Ben- no, none of them would remember the more provocative mutations of that wascally wabbit.

    So I can plead ignorance here. What *are* you on about, crazy pants?

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