Eyeballing the Waiter-Hottie

A handful of years ago I worked in a hotel/restaurant as a front-desk clerk. Since the lobby cafe didn’t have its own cash register, I worked closely with whichever waiter or waitress was on duty at the time.

Off season there were long, quiet stretches, so I found ample opportunity to chat with the extreme uber-hottie-waiter who shared a lot of days on my schedule.

Uber-hottie-waiter had all the essential uber-hottie qualities. He was nice in a non-commital way to most everyone he met. His hair fell across his forehead just so. He seemed to know exactly when to kick into aloof mode; that is, shortly after you were just positive he liked you.

One day I was sitting at the desk staring out of the big, cafe windows, and he walked up to me and said, “You have the most beautiful eyes.”

Woah! Woah! Ka-ching. I am a goddess. I have drawn an unfished for compliment from the uber-hottie! I felt myself start to blush, and a smile, the really uncool, giant, dopey kind, threatened to crack my face in half.

“Thank you.”

“Can I have them?”


“Can I have your eyes?”

Call me imaginative, but when an uber-hottie asks for a piece of your anatomy, I mean… maybe he wasn’t asking for my heart, but that was sure to follow, yeah?

“Yep. You can have them.”

“Cool. I’m gonna put them in a jar.”

Smile gone. Heart-fluttery gone. This wasn’t what I had in mind. In fact, I was sure the compliment had just been completely negated. Add to this the sobering revelation: Uber-hottie is a FREAK.

“Yeah, well, you can have them when I’m done with ’em.”

“You let me know.” he called over his shoulder, already walking away.

And I go back to my work, shoulders hunched around the banked ashes of a cooling heart.

Sucky boy.

I had to write this for my eye-changeling. He knows who he is. It was more than freaky when a couple years later the movie ‘Minority Report’ came out with all it’s eye-ball scanning, and black-market eye replacement. Glug. I kept an eye out for the image, but I didn’t see any eyeballs in a jar.


14 thoughts on “Eyeballing the Waiter-Hottie

  1. Yeah, I’ve been there a couple times when some extremely hot person has turned out to be a laboratory created freak. It’s quite disconcerting. Maybe a bit like shifting a car into reverse when you’re going forward.

  2. One day I had a not entirely dissimilar experience. The place where it becomes dissimilar is my reaction. I happened to be carrying some groceries home at the time of my encounter. Among my groceries were two dead fish. I quickly pulled one of them out and handed it to the person who had been conversing to me. In their confusion, I left. So, there was this freak standing in the street holding a dead fish. I think I won.

  3. Paul- Why am I picturing the Stepford wives? Or maybe … those infamous robot girls in Austin Powers with the ‘killer racks’.

    Bongo- That’s awesome! You definitely won.

    I never seem to have a dead fish at my disposal when I need it in life.

  4. Those people aren’t good for much but wiping off the bottom of your shoes when you get back home. Cousins to those who confuse negativity with depth.

  5. hmm.. ok..
    I was walking thru the grocery store a couple years ago when i came across this SMOAKIN hottie with the huge fake boobs, long red hair and perfect body wearing motorcycle leathers standing in front of the ice cream freezer obviously immersed in the decision between 2 flavors of low-fat ben-and-jerrys.

    As i walked by, i simply said.. “you better HOPE that goes straight to your ass”

    She turned around.. REALLY fast .. i couldnt tell if she was going to hit me or kiss me so I said, without really even skipping a beat….. ‘because if it goes ANYwhere else your gonna fuckin TIP OVER!”

    does that make me a freak?

    maybe i am.. but thats not the deciding factor now is it.

    btw, you’re still a goddess and i, for one.. am glad that you’re waiting till you dont need them anymore. Maybe he’ll sell them on ebay so i can add them to my collection.

    yeah.. ok.. i guess that would be the deciding factor.


    want some ice cream?

  6. I used that line once and to my surprise, she handed me her eyeballs. Right out of the sockets. I didn’t know what else to do so I swallowed them.

    She calls me every so often. “Why do you eat so much junk food?” she asks.

    Big mistake.

  7. aos- yeah, yer right. At least he had *aesthetic* value.

    Ansel Adams would never have taken his picture.

    Adrxian- I -always- want ice-cream. Even after a story like that. You already got the genuine articles, goof. (_!_)

    And yes, yer a freak. Speaking of freaks..

    Slothboy- I hafta lol again. That’s like, really gross. Tell it again.

  8. Don’t see how huge fake boobs and perfect body fail to contradict each other but the tip over comment is funny. If they were real it might not be.

  9. Did you hear about the guy in Japan who lost his leg riding motorcycle and didn’t realize it. His friend saw his leg get ripped off and stopped to pick it up. I know that this is bizarre way to comment on this post but I just kept thinking about that story when I was reading this. Can you imagine NOT realizing some part of your anatomy has been ripped off????

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