Weekend Ideas for the Perpetually Bored

You’re likely bummed that the summer solstice bonfire and orgies are all over, so here’s some conventional weekend ideas and their ‘alternate reality’ counterparts to get you jump-started.

Conventional: Go to the beach. You probably should while you have a chance. According to this article from LiveScience, you only have a couple more decades to enjoy those luxurious stretches of sandy coastline.

Nonconventional: Put on your swimsuits, grab a cooler of beer and head to an industrial cooling pond. Most nuclear reactors have one. There’s a popular, man-made lake in Virginia called ‘Lake Anna‘, created specifically for the North Anna Nuclear Generating Station. The ‘hot’ side is closed off to the public, but I have faith in your perserverance. “Warm springs? We don’t need no freakin’ warm springs.”-

Conventional: Go see a movie. My top pick: Black Sheep.

How could you not see Black Sheep if it were playing near you? Come on, flesh eating woolly ruminants? It’s not playing widely though. Just in Fort Lauderdale, I think. But if you live in Fort Lauderdale, the flesh eating sheep are so it.

Other film choices are ‘A Mighty Heart‘, if you wanna help the world collectively blow smoke up Angelina Jolie’s ass. Word is it’s a good film; excellent director, working off of the raw memoirs of murdered journalist Daniel Pearl’s widow, Marianne. Still…. Jolie. Urgh. I don’t know what I’m saying, everybody’s going to see Evan Almighty anyway, zombie sheep not withstanding.

Unconventional: Throw a protest.

Choose a movie, watch the trailer on YouTube and find something offensive about it. Call half a dozen friends, and create placards. Bring noise makers. Call the local newspaper and invite them. March in a small circle outside the theater till the manager politely demands that you leave the property. If you want to take it to the next level, refuse. Call your ex from jail with your one phone call. Let him/her know they’ll never be as cool as you.

Conventional: Have a picnic. It’s summer, so get cozy with what’s left of the honeybee population.

Nonconventional: Drive-by baking spree. Invite a friend over and pretend you’re Ethel and Lucy launching one of their wacky entrepreneurial ventures. Start at 4a.m. and bake every kind of goody you can think of: Muffins, Cookies, Pie, Cake, Coffee-Cake, etc. When you’ve depleted your pantry, or the temperature of your oven-heated home is cooking your eggs on the counter, carefully wrap your bounty and drive around town, ringing doorbells and leaving the mysterious snack-goods on stranger’s doorsteps.

It will make one hungry person’s day. The rest of them will suspect poisoning or pending apocalypse.

Conventional: Take a road-trip to one of your favorite destinations.

Semi-Surreal: Take a cruise to Lincoln, Nebraska for the 2007 Flatland Juggling Festival, June 22-24th. If you get a jump on it, you can see the fire-juggling tonight.

If you’re feeling Canadian, I really want to see this and I’m jealous of anyone who gets to. It’s the Famous Puppets Death Scenes show at the Margaret Greenham Theater, Banff Center. It plays June 22, 23, and 24th. $19. Can you feel my abject yearning through the screen?

An aside- this is the Banff Center address: Bison Courtyard, 211 Bear Street, Banff. Isn’t that so Canadian it makes your teeth hurt?

And if these events seem altogether too wholesome, there’s always the 3 Day Erotic Expo in- you guessed it, L.A. Starting 4pm at the L.A. Convention Center. Promotional material on the website includes the once in a lifetime opportunity to win a free boob job.

Like, hold me back.


7 thoughts on “Weekend Ideas for the Perpetually Bored

  1. If anyone is truly, truly bored, I would welcome assistance weeding and watering my assorted gardens and flower beds. I know it seems pretty conventional, but on the unconventional side, you could roll in the raspberry patch (like the naked woman lolling in the popcorn machine in the commercials at X-rated movies if you are old enough to remember those ads) and nibble on raspberries as they come by. . .

  2. Moonjelly- I’d be happy to assist if you need. My daughter comes back today from a weeks vacation with the grands, so the weekend’s dedicated to her, but I’m free after that. I won’t go all exhibitionist in the raspberries, but I’d definitely try ’em.

    Mike- My goodness, you’re right. I hadn’t even thought of it, but those poor human zombies haven’t had a decent gig outside 28 days/weeks later, (though ’28 weeks later’ was rumored to be in production at the same time. So maybe that’s why the undead sheep caught a break).

    ombuds- There there, think of the zombies. Think of how happy they’ll be in the perpetual darkness.

    startingtoday- An erotic expo in L.A. would be pretty conventional, anyway. Now if they ever have an erotic expo in Kansas, …that’d be something to see.

    Enjoy the movie.

  3. Crap, crap, crap, and double damn! I should have read this when you published it.

    Had I done so, I would have had a much better weekend and my weekend was quite good. The Old Trout Puppet Works are wonderful. What was I thinking? And you know, I don’t just feel Canadian. I AM. Ooops. That was almost an advertisement for beer. I hope you aren’t offended.

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