A few words on Vegetarian Dog Food

Sometimes, I think I’m pretty funny. Others don’t necessarily share that opinion, alas. Case in point, I used to write articles for an online site who paid very poorly. Since the pay was so ridiculous, and the format so open, I didn’t always take the proposed topics very seriously. Due to their new nazi profit sharing tactics, it has become somewhat worthwhile to revise the articles that were not particularly well received so that my portfolio makes a little money without me doing anything.

Before I erased it for all time, I wanted to share what I feel is a very helpful article on How to make Vegetarian Dog Food. (I may also share my valuable insights in a later post on ‘How to Date Your Older Home’… very interesting information, that. Stay tuned.)

How to Make Vegetarian Dog Food

1) When you set out to make vegetarian dog food, it is important to start with a vegetarian dog. If budget allows, several vegetarian dogs are ideal, in case your cooking makes one or two of the dogs fatally ill. If you can’t afford several vegetarian dogs, one vegetarian dog and a few vegetarian guinea pigs will probably work just fine.

People sometimes ask “How do I know if my dog is a vegetarian?” That’s a fairly dumb question: A vegetarian dog will not eat meat. Be careful when you get your vegetarian dog that you don’t accidentally get a vegan, because feeding a vegan is a pain in the tookus.

2) K, you have your vegetarian dog(s), now you need your ingredients. You might be thinking that vegetarian dog food consists primarily of vegetables, but vegetables are only one component. Grains, beans, cookies, these are all fair game when you go shopping. There are two main rules to follow when buying ingredients for vegetarian dog-food. First: The ingredients must be vegetarian, which means no meat. Secondly: Your ingredients should not be poisonous to your dog. Outside of those parameters, you might as well try anything. You’re the chef, the entrepreneur, the culinary mastermind. And hey, if you can find some vegetarian dog food while you’re shopping for ingredients, that will save you a lot of work.

Here’s an incomplete list of ingredients to avoid because they might be dog poison.

chocolate
onion powder
citrus fruit
rat poison
Preparation H
rhubarb
raisins
draino
acne medication

3) So you have your vegetarian dog(s), you have your non-poisonous vegetarian ingredients- now it’s time to make the food. Depending upon your ingredients, you will likely have to chop, puree, and boil stuff together. Make sure there are no large chunks of any ingredient that your vegetarian dog or guinea pig might choke on. Write down the ingredients in each concoction so you won’t forget. Avoid seasoning with a tremendous amount of ketchup or salt, as large quantities of these are unhealthful to canines. Navigate by smell. A hungry dog isn’t all that finicky, so if you’re not gagging they might go for it.

4) Let your dog perform the taste test. You might be really curious, but ideally you won’t be the one eating your vegetarian dog-food, the dog will.

5) Monitor your dog for digestive upheaval for 48 hours- kind of like a quarantine. If he lives, document the taste-test winner. Put it in your recipe box. Congratulations! You’re a canine Betty Crocker!

Naked Dates and National Parks?

This is some stuff I made myself a self-appointed expert on, and other people actually believed me.

Nudism

National Parks

Dating Tips

(er, whot?)

How to Keep New Years Resolutions

(hahahaha!)

Hard Rocking Lesbian Twins

Chess

Family Cell Phone Plans

(isn’t that ironic, superfly?)

Grubby Lawns

Good Sandwiches

(k, I am an expert on that)

Richard the Third

Teaching Teenagers how to Drive

Based on this list, I think you can probably assume most information on the web derives itself from a completely bogus source.

 

 

Undressing the audience, part 2

crowded.jpg

I feel we glossed over the title in that last one, and it had so much psychological potential. The derobing of any audience through the persuasive ability of a speaker is a major feat of oratory brilliance, and to the best of my knowledge, it’s only been accomplished on three rather malleable types of onlooker:

1. Groupies

2. Nudists

3. The occasional protester

There’s an old cliche meant to soothe stage fright which goes, ‘Picture your audience in their underwear.’ Allegedly, the people who comprise any crowd are wearing underwear, so you aren’t picturing anything that isn’t really there. They just have the added accoutrements of pants and shirts and socks to contend with.

I don’t think this whole idea is based on accurate information anymore. I believe a goodly number of any persons gathered in a room today will in fact not be wearing underwear, as a lifestyle choice. (A few will also be commando because they have temporary laundry issues.)

If your intention is to actually make your audience naked, these underwearless are going to be the hardest nuts to crack (no pun intended). Why? Because if people are going to get naked, they’re going to hafta overcome the psychological safeguards in place that keep them from doing crazy shit in public. A key element to making a behavior seem acceptable is by having everyone present exercise the same behavior at the same time.

Nudity in concert.

It’s hard to picture, I know. The thought that any single key-note speaker could turn the PTA meeting into a nips and knobs fest; even Nietzsche himself couldn’t make a board meeting that interesting, surely…

Yeah, it’s a long-shot, but there is a practical possibility that a persuasive speaker could pull it off under the right circumstances. Ideally, you would have an adult audience, isolated from any larger group of onlookers or passerbys. You would also need a speaker with formidable stage presence and an air of personal authority.

Many people are willing to do the strangest things if you take away the element of personal responsibility. If you convince an audience they are hypnotized, while it doesn’t grant you actual control over their actions, you remove the uncomfortable element of responsibility from the participants shoulders, and they become more willing to experiment.

Additional possibilities include giving your audience masks to wear before entering the setting, and carefully constructing an artificial, mental environment where the boundaries of the real world are perceived to dissolve. Alter the structure of an individual’s personal reality, and often-times the rules of the real world will cease to operate for that individual.

A third approach which increases the influence of the orator requires some type of buy-in from the audience before their participation is granted. You can vest a figurehead with increased influence, merely by making that speaker’s inner circle difficult to attain. If audience members have had to go through some sort of difficult ordeal to be granted the privilege of attending, they will be more likely to go along with the speaker’s authority. They are invested.

But commandos still pose a problem. These are the black sheep, the free thinkers in some cases. If they are actual deviants, they will feel some vestige of puritanical shame at their naked under parts. Or, they may take pride in their ‘outsider status’, which means that though they might embrace the idea of public nudity, they will chafe against the perception of being lead to this state by a source of authority.

A commando will probably be the one to sink in their heels against the idea of removing their clothes ‘just cus everyone else is doing it’, no matter how the nudity is achieved. Even if the nudity is slow and gentle, with a whole group removing one article of clothing at a time, and being given the chance to grow accustomed to the idea gradually.

A commando is likely to simply not participate. That is how things can fall apart. There is a delicate point when most people have just gotten naked, and become aware that others in the room are still clothed. The element of self-awareness comes into play. If not all the audience members are acting in unison, even one person can become the equivalent of the eyes of God in the Garden of Eden. A single sweater-clad individual can make everyone else acutely aware of their nudity. They will feel awkward and ashamed. They will feel naked.

The only way to really circumvent this debacle is to bring the clothed person or persons up in front of the group and make them the center of attention. Preempt the moment of self-awareness by changing the focus. When surrounded by eyes and flesh protrusions, a commando will begin to feel the oddity of their clothed state. In essence, you can reverse the role of naked and clothed by creating a stigma out of dissent.

author’s note: I was gonna write this as humor, but it didn’t come out that way. What came out I think was pretty accurate. And that was actually kind of frightening, on reflection.