Tonight, new episodes of Battlestar Galactica return to the Sci-Fi Channel at 10pm. I suspect most of the weebles probably don’t watch BSG, so I’m going to prepare you to answer the most important question regarding the series. This way if someone accosts you on the street with the urgent question: “Who do you think the 5th and final cylon is?” You can give the appropriate response: “I don’t freakin’ care, but I would totally sleep with _______”
BSG S.Q. CHARACTER GUIDE
-Admiral William Adama
Played by Edward James Olmos, Adama is the Admiral of the fleet and commanding officer of the Battlestar Galactica. A soft-spoken hard-hitter, the senior Adama would likely appeal to Daddy’s girls, female literature professors, and closeted Semper Fi’s with unresolved yearnings.
- President Laura Roslin
You may recognize Mary McDonnell from Dances with Wolves and Independence Day. Roslin in a tough, savvy politician with a few moral gray areas. She has cancer in the program, but this is a woman who could still competently handle a whip/football team/chicken. By the look in her eye, you know she views any male ranking less than admiral as merely breakfast.
– Starbuck
Yes, she’s a girl! From Oregon! True story: Portland born Katee Sackhoff brings an edge to Viper Pilot Kara Thrace that the original, congenial male Starbuck probably never envisioned. Though a very tough and physical character, there is a certain transparency, a lack of manipulation to Starbuck that would probably appeal to anyone who has recently survived a divorce.
- Lee ‘Apollo’ Adama
Former viper pilot, and only remaining son of the Admiral, Lee Adama is the idealist of the group. He has a great body, and a moral compass that would make 82% of all potential mates develop a severe inferiority complex. Lee would be the wet-dream of far-lefties, pro-bono attorneys and John Mayer fans. Oh, btw, Dibs.
-Dr. Gaius Baltar
I don’t want my own impression of Baltar to color your perceptions (he’s a sleazeball). I will say that Baltar is probably the best dresser on the show. I won’t say that this is because his vanity is of mammoth, unwieldy proportions. (oops) I will say, he isn’t real hard to get. Just be reasonably attractive and look at him for a second, he’s yours. Baltar’s a good person to be with if you’ve recently been dumped by someone like Lee Adama. You can feel morally superior to Baltar right up until he sleeps with your mom at your graduation dinner. After that you should focus more energy on hoping they used protection.
-Six
Oh, she’s a man-eater. She’s also a cylon, but if a little artificial intelligence doesn’t bother you, this bionic ’skin-job’ can offer both physical and mental challenges to satisfy the masochist in you. Yeah, she’s a little unpredictable: One moment she’s pledging her eternal love to a human and coming across all vulnerable, the next she’s beating up old eyepatch and slamming Baltar around by the hair. But men love that shit, don’t they? Oh, btw- she has sisters. Lots and lots of sisters.
-Samuel T. Anders
In case you can’t tell from the name alone, Anders is an all-purpose hottie. Pilot, resistance fighter, conveniently qualified husband to Kara Thrace (or at least to her impulsive libido) Anders is your standard go-to guy. The name says it all: Samuel T., c’mon. They don’t give a character a middle initial unless it means something. ‘T.’ means trustworthy character, and ‘Z.’ means reliably evil. Anders would be ideal for uncomplicated carnal stress relief in a car or a warehouse. He’s just that kind of guy. Er… cylon, rather.
- Galen Tyrol
Tyrol is the every man’s man. He gets his hands dirty, damn it. He shows up every day and does his job. But… like so many of us, he has quirks. 1. He’s a cylon. To his credit, this realization has brought him intense anguish, but still. 2. After his wife, Cally, died (got offed by a Cylon) he screamed about the ‘boiled cabbage stench of her’. I personally find this intimidating. It would suck to be in a relationship with someone and discover that this is the epitaph they’ve been storing up.
-Tory Foster
The cylon who killed Galen’s wife, y’know? Yeah, it was her. Tory: Advisor to the president, closet Cylon, Baltar’s part-time bimbo (she also nailed Anders), manipulator extraordinaire. If snakes fascinate you, or you find yourself envious of Michael Douglas in Basic Instinct, Tory might just be your ticket to ride.
- Saul Tigh
For anyone trying to wean themselves off a pirate fetish, I present Saul Tigh. The gravelly voice, the eyepatch, the alcoholic tendencies, all these should make your transition from swashbucklers to bitter old men very smooth and easy going. You probably expect it by this point, but yeah, he’s a Cylon, too.
-Cylon Hybrid
I don’t fully understand what exactly she does. She’s plugged into the ship somehow, and she lives in one of those pools where the Cylons are ‘born’ again after being downloaded. Both scary and wise, the Hybrid *knows* things. Given, she doesn’t get out much, still this character might appeal to that shady demographic who patronize Hentai tentacle porn.
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So now you have a cornucopia of interesting choices. Which one of these characters would YOU repopulate the planet Earth with?
